Sex Always Sells, It Seems

16 July 2014

C – thank goodness Michael Gove has gone – we need a new Education Minister to do something positive. Lots of views on blog yesterday.

S – good – I am going to do a re-blog today of a post I have been saving from The Fearful Dragon. We so need to get together; are you free on Sunday?

C – am at dressage with Phoebe and we do not have our times yet. Just realised I have missed the chiropodist and she is on holiday during July and August.

S – phone her to see if she can fit you in later. Our damn tumble dryer has broken down. It is in pieces in the kitchen. Michael can fix it but we need a part and, as it is an American dryer, it could be difficult to get it.

C – nothing is ever easy. However, I have just phoned the chiropodist and she can fit me in later – hooray. Have you looked at our Facebook – the photo of the naked men cleaning a car has been very popular – sex always sells, it seems?

(S – here it is for those of you who have not seen it on Facebook).

Later …

C – after a morning spent cleaning I am now at the estate agents – they were short staffed and I need the extra cash. How are things at your end?

S – very quiet – is it busy down there?

C – manic – how is it that you always manage to land the easy jobs? I have a viewing at 3.30 pm and then I will be on the dreaded phone outs – not looking forward to that.

S – ah, but don’t forget you have those flats and that sofa you sit on every other Saturday, while I am nose to the grind stone!

C – forgot to tell you; Patrick and George were still partying last night and there was some issue over them gaining entrance to a night club. A small scuffle ensued invovling George and the bouncers. Fortunately, no arrests were made – can that boy never stay out of trouble and Patrick should now better at his age?

Be Prepared Girls!

12 June 2014

Michael found this very amusing!

I could not enlarge the above but this is what it says – be prepared girls!!!

This is an actual extract from a sex education book for girls, printed in the early 1960s in the UK and explains why the world was much happier and peaceful then..!

“When retiring to the bedroom, prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance, your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom, as he would have to do for his train. But remember to look you best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply face-cream or hair-rollers wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking to a man last thing at night. When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your husband it is important to remember your marriage vows in, in particular, your commitment to obey him.

If he feels that he needs to sleep immediately then so be it. In all things be led by your husband’s wishes; do not pressure him in any way to stimulate intimacy. Should your husband suggest congress agree humbly all the while being mindful that a man’s satisfaction is more important that a woman’s. When he reaches his moment of fulfilment a small moan from yourself is encouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment that you may have had.

Should your husband suggest any of the more unusual practices be obedient and uncomplaining but register any reluctance by remaining silent. It is likely that your husband will then fall promptly asleep so adjust your clothing, freshen up and apply your night-time face and hair care products. You may then set the alarm so that you can arise shortly before him in the morning. This will enable you to have his morning cup of tea ready when he awakes.”

Must Get TV Fixed

I Do! (Photo by The Weekly Gripe)

6 May 2014

S – first clean of the day and I have been left yet another note – added to the list today is to clean the skirting boards and woodwork (I always do them) plus could I iron a huge pile of shirts! Ironing is extra – not part of cleaning the house!!

C – how horrid of her – you cannot fit all that into two hours.

S – think I may need to leave a note of my own to remind her of my “Terms and Conditions” and ironing is not one of them. Could you text me the number of LT Morris as I need to get our aerial fixed. No TV again yesterday which resulted in bed for everyone at 9.00 o’clock – this needs to be avoided in future.

C – oh dear, all in bed at 9.00 o’clock with nothing to do – that is a very bad idea. You need TV to distract husband; will look up aerial man’s number and text it to you post haste.

S – ok, this is one for the blog – can you judge a man by his bed time reading? The man of the house I am cleaning at the moment is reading Analytics at Work; Smarter Decisions, Better Results – seem to remember Michael is always going on about reading the Kama Sutra – what does that say about him?

C – don’t ask; that’s what happens when you marry someone older who “remembers the 60’s!”– I just keep putting it back on the book shelf.

S – now at third clean of the day and am truly exhausted and fed up. Listening to Radio 4 and Reverend Flowers, the ex-chairman of the Co-op Bank, is blaming his use of Class A drugs on caring for his elderly mother. Could we take Class A drugs and blame it on caring for teenage children? Will he be defrocked do you think?

C – well, I think he should be. Am fed up also as my job share lady is on annual leave so I am having to fit her work in today as well – damn nuisance, I come to the office for a rest not to work!

S – how un-thoughtful of her to take leave – bloody work colleagues, no consideration for others.

Could Be Heading Down The Same Path As “Older” Korean Women!

It’s in the name!

24 April 2014

C – listening to the radio whilst scrubbing and cleaning, as usual. Discussion being had about the reason for the increase in “older” Korean women turning to prostitution – could it be money?

S – well, I suppose they are able to earn more in twenty minutes than they would working all day in another job.

C – twenty minutes sounds a long time. I would have thought ten minutes would be ample.

S – yes, you are right, ten minutes is plenty of time.

Later …

S – lady you clean for is in the office today. She is very attractive and normally wears nice clothes but today she has definitely “lost the plot” and is wearing skinny jeans – I am sorry but you have to be skinny to wear skinny jeans; it’s in the name. Still, I suppose we all have those items in our wardrobe that we should really never have purchased!

C – I don’t have that problem as there are so few items in my wardrobe! I have just been looking at my credit card bill and think I will, unfortunately, be going down the same road as the aging Korean ladies soon. Every time I turn round someone else has got their fingers in my purse, and that includes Toby! 😦

Happy Birthday Sheshe !!!

18 April 2014

Hooray! Today is Sheshe’s birthday and I am happy to announce she is the same age as me now. Hope you are taking it easy today, try being a man for the day!! The caption reads “who needs sex when I have my micro fibre, anti static cloth?”

Saw this and thought of you.

Do Not Disturb – At Our Age We Need Our Beauty Sleep

Not What We Had In Mind! (Photo by Nevit Dilmen)

25 March 2014

S – I had time to glance at The Times on Sunday and happened to read a column about the Skinny Bitch Fitness Regime, or Skinny Bitch Collective (SBC). The list of rules was as follows:

Eat – healthy proteins, fat and fibrous carbohydrates such as quinoa and sweet potato – don’t touch rice or grains.

Sleep – aim for seven hours unbroken sleep in a pitch-black room. Avoid TV and phones before bedtime.

Sex – as much as possible. The more you have, the more you are going to feel great. It boosts your body and skin.

Relationships – if there is a negative person in your life do your best to help them – and, if that does not work, cut them out.

Exercise – uber-primal: running, jumping, crawling, squatting. Train three times with my method and then to one yoga or more holistic session. Sunday sprints – uphill – are also a big thing for us.

Camilla’s comments on the above were:

Eat – what the hell is quinoa?

Sleep – what should you do before bedtime if you do not watch TV.

Sex – when are you supposed to be having this sex if you are getting seven hours unbroken sleep a night. Our aim would be to slide seamlessly from the shower into our freshly laundered sheets hanging up a “Do Not Disturb” sign on the door. Perhaps it is what one is supposed to be doing before going to bed, rather than watching TV.

Relationships – don’t let Toby and Michael see that one, they might be cutting us out.

Exercise – Camilla is getting quite enough “uphill sprinting” chasing those sheep – Toby always seems to get the quad bike!

Rich Baby Thinks We Need More Sexual Deviancy

Do you agree with Rich Baby?

10 March 2014

C – we are still facing huge technological challenges with the slowest broadband in the history of the world; it is nearly impossible to get things done. By the way we all pay the same monthly rate.

S – yes we do and it is something that I am always ranting to Michael about. It seems so unfair that we pay the same amount for half the service!

11 March 2014

C – the bloody bus went past Phoebe this morning again so I had to drive her in behind it, gnashing my teeth the whole way. Now at first clean and the owners have just returned from Oman – ten days in five star hotel, they already have a newsletter with photos on the kitchen table, so I have had to run through the whole holiday, yawn, yawn – it is alright for some. Apparently, they spent most of the holiday speaking French – thank goodness I did not get the ‘bonjour’ when the lady of the house opened the door. 🙂

S – now, now they are nice people and just happy to have someone to chat to about their holiday. Be patient with them.

Later …

C – just talking to our absent IT Guru, Richard. He thinks we need more raw emotion and deviant sex scenes in our blog to increase our followers. Any chance you can to the latter. I am just going to help with the sheep, so I am sure I will be able to do the raw emotion by the end of the day.

S – I am afraid no sexual deviancy in our household at the moment. The most exciting thing Michael (and I) have to look forward to is the hope that he will have a bowel movement in three days, after having had yet another operation.

C – could you not make something sexually deviant up, whilst waiting for this bowel movement?

Much Too Old For Family Plannning Clinics

I told her I can’t possibly be pregnant!

11 December 2013

S – just been chatting to a colleague on the phone who is a lesbian. She is off to Egypt for two weeks in March with her partner. It is all starting to look very attractive this lesbianism and I found myself thinking that two weeks in Egypt with a female companion would be very pleasant. Oh dear!!!

C – Yes, very pleasant unlike the hideous experience I have just had at the Family Planning Clinic. I went to have a certain contraceptive device checked which it turns out has been in situ, so to speak, for eight years. It is only effective for four years but I do not remember being told this when I had it put in place. So, I have been blindly ‘on the edge of pregnancy’ for four years; hell’s teeth! I then had to suffer a pregnancy and Chlamydia test. I told the nurse I had thankfully not had ‘it’ for at least six months due to surgery and that, if I was pregnant, I think I would be showing by now! However, she had a sense of humour failure and did not see the funny side of this.

Furthermore, I stated that I was sure I did not have Chlamydia as I have had been married to the same man for twenty-seven years; but she was not having any of my feeble excuses. She did mention that my blood press was a little on the high side. Grinding my teeth I thought “is it any wonder after all the crap I have listened to this afternoon” but smiled sweetly at her. At fifty two and two days old I thought I had finished with all this malarkey.

The bad news is that I have to wait a week for the results. The good new is, no conjugal activities for two weeks (I did ask if she could write me a note to show my husband, but again not even a small chuckle). She did not even smile when I said that, if I do have Chlamydia, my husband will be ‘out on his ear’ and I will have no need for the above mentioned contraception!

S – By the way, was talking to someone in the know about this TWITTER thing and it seems we need to upload our sheep on to a banner. Not a clue how to do this. See you later at the dreaded Parents Evening. Do I feel another mountain to climb ahead of us?

C – I was thinking of taking my special glasses with the lights to parents evening. Do you think Pheobe will forgive me if I switch them on by accident in a bid to lighten the atmosphere, if things get tense?

S – NO definitely not

Contraception – “The Pill” For Men

It stops sperm from being released from the body! (Photo by Michal Zacharzewski)

Preamble

Camilla and I seem to have been berating the men folk in our lives a little lately. We both want to say that they have been very supportive of our creative writing, which is increasingly taking up more of our time. However, Camilla did hear some rather amusing facts on Radio 4 this morning which we just had to post; so sorry chaps but here we go again …

S – Camilla is cleaning today (Tuesday is her nightmare day with two and sometimes three cleans!). However, she does listen to Radio 4 whilst wielding her duster. She has just texted me to say that she heard an interesting discussion first thing this morning. Apparently, they now have medical evidence to prove that men and women’s brains are wired differently. Ladies, don’t you think that was a waste of time and money – we could have told them that!

10 minutes later …

Camilla has just called me to say that Radio 4 has provided a double revelation this morning. They have developed “The Pill” for men; it stops sperm from being released from the body! We both agreed that this is not going to work as we feel most men would definitely forget to take it (it’s hard enough for them to remember to put the bins out once a week). Would you trust a man to take charge of contraception using this method?

How Regularly Should We Be Blogging?

C – Just discussing with Sheshe about how regularly we should be blogging. Sheshe suggested three times a day would be advantageous, if we ever want the cheeks of our bottoms on that BBC Breakfast sofa. I responded that bogging three times a day would be very time consuming in our busy lives and difficult to fit in, a bit like sex. This conversation drew my mind back to the Woman’s Hour programme I heard some weeks ago. Women of our age were talking about the fact that it is ok for men to pay for sex but very frowned upon if a woman does so. Women were commenting freely about their sexual needs when one enlightened listener e-mailed that she would happily pay for someone to have sex with her husband, thus saving her from yet another job. Please discuss.

We are having a few strange likes of our last post, in our spam box. If you remember it was entitle “Confessions of a Cleaning Lady” – maybe not the best of title. We seem to have attracted a few rather seedy characters. One reply in particular had my eyes out on stalks. It was entitled “15 Women Looking for Sex Only Relationship in your Immediate Area”. I panicked and deleted it permanently!! What sort of can of worms have we opened? Maybe there is something in the old adage “Sex Always Sells”. 