No Sofas Here

I need a job with Camilla!

I need a job with Camilla!

4 December 2014

C – hope you are at your desk clocking up the hours.  As I descended the stairs this morning I thought oh good I am off to work for a rest, these words I have heard you utter on numerous occasions. Well I have joined the club. I was the first person in the office today 0755 clock in a good start to the day. Had a call from George and he sounded a bit down in the dumps – I think too much partying has caused a bit of a melt down!

S – you are good – 0755!! As you say work is now when you rest and recuperate for the rigours of your days off!! I am resting working at the Hospital today. I have nice cup of tea at my side – so win, win I say. I am sure George will be partying hard again soon.

C – a new admin girl has started today; extremely glamorous, tall, slim, very high heeled shoes, hair and make up perfect!!!

S – just what you need to make you feel good. You have little to do – what will she do?

C – she seems to be in the general admin section so not sure how busy they are. I will be away from my desk for a while as I have catch up meeting in the BREAKOUT AREA with the Head of Admin. That should take my mind off food for a while as I will have to be seen to be taking some notes. Oh no !!!!!!!!!!!

S – what the hell are you catching up on in the BREAKOUT AREA – sounds like an excuse to sit on a comfy “Friends Style Sofa” with a cuppa in your hand. I am thinking I need a job in your office – we don’t have any sofas here – please let me know if anything is going – I mean that!

C – yes I will. The meeting is about the unmatched files; all 1798 of them and how we are going to tackle the job.  Have had the meeting and I have typed up the processes necessary so pressure is on!!! The new lady has immaculate hair; not one out of place whilst I look like I have been dragged through a hedge backwards.  Washed my hair and left it down as I have been told by my daughter that I am now too old for pony tail in public!

Could Not Leave It Buzzing By The Bed

Could this be him (Photo by www.mendiphillsaonb.org.uk

Can you spot the car? (Photo by http://www.mendiphillsaonb.org.uk)

2 July 2014

C – I forgot to say, blog fans are asking about Mr S – they are missing updates.

S – yes, he was one of our best characters. Bloody nuisance but very close to home, so worried about being found out. When blog goes viral and we have more money than we know what to do with he will be right back in there. In fact, he will be begging for a slot in the Book/Film/Play. No sign of him today as usual. Probably tucked away in some shady lay-by having a snooze!

C – yes, probably is. At second clean and I am dripping with sweat. I was expecting great things form you now that you have that sprancy new up-to-date mobile but I am only getting the same old stuff. Why are you not snapchatting and instagramming along with sending me photos – come on old girl!!

S – I may have up-to-date mobile but I do not have the contract to go with it. I have the same old SIM and the same £8 per month contract, so no snapchatting or instagramming for me – I do not have any free internet connection time and would not know what to do with it if I did.

C – oh, what a cheap skate you are. I had a text from George at 3.00am this morning – I could not leave it buzzing by the bed – had to look. His bank account was overdrawn and he did not know why. I have not heard a peep from him for three weeks and he only texted when he needed money. Went to the bank this morning but he had not signed to say I could talk about his account with the bank staff (as I had requested before he left). He thought there would be no need for me to get involved with his finances – how wrong could he be. One of the ladies behind the desk, who knows me, did take pity on me and gave a general indication of how much money I needed to put into the account to take it out of the red – thank God for someone with some common sense.

S – oh dear, more dramas from the Antipodes – I have all this to look forward to when mine are over there – or on a road trip in the USA, which seems to be what Sophie is planning for her gap year!

To Drink Or Not To Drink, That Is The Question?

I love a drop of the fizz!

I love a drop of the fizz! (Photo from The Guardian)

26 June 2014

C – just paid the bloody fine that George acquired in New Zealand. I had put it on the back burner in the hope that it would go away but another letter fluttered onto my doormat and the fine has now increased, due to the addition of court costs. I should have paid it immediately – it is now $180 – hells’ teeth. Can that boy never keep out of trouble – he is costing me money and he is on the other side of the world. Have had to add it to my credit card which is already pretty much up to its limit. I need some more cleaning jobs – I will have to advertise my services.

S – oh damn, I thought you had paid that. It was never going to go away and you do not want George to be unable to return to New Zealand because of a criminal record, due to an unpaid fine.

27 June 2014

C – how are you this fine sunny morning after your non-drinking night out (NOT) – that was never going to happen once that glass of Prosecco was pressed into your hand? You did not put up much of a fight when seconds arrived either.

S – as I said the other day I have no will power. I think we escaped in the nick of time – one more glass could have sent me reeling over the edge resulting in appalling hangover and duvet day.

C – yes, I agree it could have turned into an unpleasant “morning after the night before”. Michael was our knight without the shining armour providing a taxi service.

28 June 2014

C – apparently, I am cross all the time according to my husband, I wonder why? Is it because he behaves like a teenager?

S – well, my day deteriorated very early with the arrival of a £550 bill from the Taxman. It has to be paid by the end of July or interest will be charged. What a lovely start to the day.

C – why do they always send these letters out to arrive on Saturday (they do that with the dreaded school reports) and spoil ones weekend. It only drives one to drink in the evening – I suppose it makes a change that it is the Taxman’s fault!

Full Fridges And Wine Racks

Why does my wine rack always look like this?  (Photo from www.worldmarket.com)

Why does my wine rack always look like this? (Photo from http://www.worldmarket.com)

8 June 2014

C – was thinking, all those houses I clean have full fridges and wine racks. I am always scratching around for a bottle of wine – is that because I have no money or because, if I have wine, it has to be drunk.

S – think it is the latter, as with me.

C – oh, that is disappointing. I was hoping you would say that, as connoisseurs of wine, it is our duty to taste as much as we can, broaden our palettes and share our knowledge with a wider audience. In fact we drink to help others!! I see it as a vocation that not everyone can rise to. Oh, and it helps if you can open a bottle a day! Let’s face it no one knows when their number will be up. How dreadful to ‘pop one’s clogs’ leaving a full wine rack to someone who may not appreciate it.

9 June 2014

S – just had supervision and was girding my loins for another telling off; my internet use has been rather excessive, but all was rosy – hallelujah!

C – good, you cover all the work quickly and efficiently and are hardly ever sick so what would anyone have to complain about? When will ‘you know who’ get a conscience about his work ethic. Just cleaned our flat; do you ever think life is one long round of drudgery, with no time off for good behaviour?

S – that is a good question. All I seem to do at the moment, with five of us in the house, is clean and wash and cook.

C – oh joy, I have just picked Phoebe up and we had a huge row, as she is predicted an E in her Maths GCSE – all we need is a C. I have a tutor starting next week at great expense. PS: and, of course, it is all my fault because I am so bad at Maths, at which point I reminded her that I ran my own business very successfully for ten years and did all my accounts, so I cannot be that dim!

S – just got your message, poor you but I am sure it will all come out in the wash.

10 June 2014

S – off to a presentation on changes that are happening re work for an hour and a half. Think I will have to tuck myself in a corner and have a snooze; I am sure it will be a bit like the DES training.

C – at least it is a short presentation. Hope you have resolved row over laptop that you told me about last night and that no blood has been shed at your house – last thing you need is rowing over something you can’t do anything about.

S – yes, Michael fixed the laptop so all sweetness and light in our house at the moment.

Has Anyone Else Been Unfriended?

I have been unfriended!

I have been unfriended!

23 February 2014

C – it’s official, I found out today that I have been UNFRIENDED on facebook by my daughter and I did not feel a thing. I was discussing a photo that she had put on facebook that I had been kind enough to take for her, when I suddenly realised that it had not come up on my facebook wall. Following further questioning of the aforesaid daughter, it transpired that I had been UNFRIENDED. Just wait till she wants some item of clothing washed, ironed and ready to wear ten minutes before she goes out. I have a plan, I am going to get a very large piece of paper and write on it “you have been unfriended” and brandish it at her. Ok, after some thought maybe this is a bit childish and I should remember that I am the adult and able to rise above such childishness, but I am not sure I can do that.

S – ok keep calm. Maybe you should remove her laptop until you have been reinstated, as it is pretty important, when they are only 15, to keep an eye on there online activity.

C – think she can get on to Facebook with her phone so not sure it will get me anywhere. Hope your day has been better and that nobody has unfriended you today.

S – it’s and a mine field this modern parenting and takes some dealing with. Jamie has returned from his school trip minus a substantial amount of kit so have been berating him about that for a large part of the day.

C – oh well, at least I have some good news from George Of The Jungle. Had a phone call yesterday; he is in New Zealand South Island, with mates, chillaxing (as the young say) – sounds like he is having a great time, weather excellent and they have wheels so all is good.

Don’t You Think This Is An Excellent Idea?

Everyday is full of surprises

Perfect for rummaging in the dark!

C – every day is fully of little surprises; exactly like the glasses I purchased a couple of weeks ago and which I will describe to you now. I purchased them whilst on a brief shopping trip with my daughter. On arriving at the shopping centre I realised, to my horror, that I had left my reading glasses at home. I could not contemplate a days shopping unable to see any price tags, so I quickly located two pairs of cheap reading glasses and the day progressed smoothly enough.

I have been wearing these new glasses for a couple of weeks now. I was on my way back from a quick trip to the shops and, whilst adjusting the rear view mirror, I noticed a bright white light shining upon the roof of the car (very strange). Following closer inspection I realised that the light was coming from my glasses, which I am in the habit of fixing firmly on the top of my head, as I only need them for reading. To my sheer delight I discovered my glasses had lights on either side, which I had not noticed before and had inadvertently switched on. Perfect for reading in the dark!!! When I purchased them, because I did not have my glasses, I did not realise they had this wonderful feature. This made my day as I knew I had another pair exactly the same at home (his and hers). I enthusiastically described the whole story to Pheobe on the way home from school. She seemed horrified at my excitement, groaning that they looked ridiculous and under no circumstances was I to be sporting them at the pending parents evening. So often it’s the little things in life that provide us with the most amusement and diversion.

The second highlight of my day came whilst listening to the local radio station in the car when picking Phoebe up from school. As you know, I am an avid Radio 4 listener. However, to keep the peace I agreed to switch to the local radio station. They were running a competition and the DJ asked the question ” What is it that twenty three percent of men have, but do not use?” A lady came onto the phone line to have a guess at the answer. Without hesitation or deviation she responded “INITIATIVE”. Sorry guys I am at it again, but I did laugh very much out loud. The male DJ was not very impressed with her answer and quickly moved on to the next caller!

Have I Metamorphosed Into My Mother?

Have I turned into my mother!

Have I turned into my mother!

C – just completed another torturous day pushing my trustee Miele vacumm cleaner around (top tip; this is simply the best vacuum cleaner on the market). I feel as if I have dusted, bleached and polished half of Dorset. Whilst carrying out all this cleaning, I found myself having a great deal of time to think and listen to Radio Four (my favourate part of the day is listening to Woman’s Hour). Jane Garvey I just love your voice, the clever questions you ask, your guests and the tactful way you get to the nub of those really difficult, personal questions – if you are reading our blog, we are free for interview anytime!!! I am consumed with juggling life, work, kids, animals and all things domestic. This musing has been brought about following the ususal row with my children to clear up their mess, do their homework and pick up the wet and dirty towels from the bathroom floor. I hear myself turning into my mother. Shock, horror, can this be possible; surely not. What happened to domestic bliss, long soaks in the bath with wine and candles, dinner for two and “chillaxing”, as my kids would say?