Not Serious Enough, Evidently!

We will not be needing Michael - not drinking with those two again!

We will not be needing Michael – not drinking with those two again!

26 June 2014

C – it is Kitty’s birthday take away this evening (sorry, forgot to let you know) – can you make it and do you think Michael could taxi for us?

S – yes, I will be there. I will pick you up as I fear I may die if I drink with Helena and Kitty again – do you remember last time; I certainly do! Those two are way out of my league!

C – we will not be drinking too much because we have to work the next day.

S – I have heard that one before.

C – yes, I said that to Helena and Kitty. And when do you see me taking a day off to lay around the house anyway? However, still think I will manage a glass or two. Am at usual clean and, thank goodness, the trip to France has been forgotten but have just noticed that the husband is on a list of WI speakers. Apparently you have to audition!!! His talk is entitled “The discovery of France – The Past Which Sticks Around”. I can feel myself yawning already!! Me, being mean again! I am really fed up with the rolls of fat that are being revealed due to the hot weather. Debbie has lost two stone and looks amazing – Slimming World and no alcohol!!

S – following inspection of my bingo arms the other day whilst waiting for some clients at a viewing, I think I really do need to get into shape. I have even threatened to cycle to Weymouth with Julie.

C – are you mad – you will end up in Accident and Emergency! Lets face it, after the Spinning fiasco – or lack of Spinning fiasco – how serious are we about this exercise lark?

S – not serious enough, evidently!

Later …

C – damn, at second clean and woman is at home today – she decided to take a couple of days off. I was hoping to be in and out, but no chance now as she has some extra jobs for me. She is moaning that her husband is abroad working all the time – I wish he could take my husband with him to give me a break!


Be Prepared Girls!

12 June 2014

Michael found this very amusing!

Michael found this very amusing!

I could not enlarge the above but this is what it says – be prepared girls!!!

This is an actual extract from a sex education book for girls, printed in the early 1960s in the UK and explains why the world was much happier and peaceful then..!

“When retiring to the bedroom, prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance, your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom, as he would have to do for his train. But remember to look you best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply face-cream or hair-rollers wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking to a man last thing at night. When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your husband it is important to remember your marriage vows in, in particular, your commitment to obey him.

If he feels that he needs to sleep immediately then so be it. In all things be led by your husband’s wishes; do not pressure him in any way to stimulate intimacy. Should your husband suggest congress agree humbly all the while being mindful that a man’s satisfaction is more important that a woman’s. When he reaches his moment of fulfilment a small moan from yourself is encouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment that you may have had.

Should your husband suggest any of the more unusual practices be obedient and uncomplaining but register any reluctance by remaining silent. It is likely that your husband will then fall promptly asleep so adjust your clothing, freshen up and apply your night-time face and hair care products. You may then set the alarm so that you can arise shortly before him in the morning. This will enable you to have his morning cup of tea ready when he awakes.”

Long And Slow, Like A Cold Beer


Long and Slow (Photo by Afonso Lima)

Long and Slow (Photo by Afonso Lima)

1 June 2014

C – just at House of Health and Beauty with Phoebe – she is having her eyebrows done. Some woman in waiting room looks like the back end of a bus in leggings and t-shirt. She got up to go for treatment with her t-shirt up over her bottom and she has a wedge!

2 June 2014

S – How goes it at estate agents?

C – long and slow like a cold beer which is what I could do with now. Feathers have been ruffled in your office by the new PA I understand.

S – yes, I have heard the same.

C – I am at the sea front, feel like crap as I drank too much last night – why do I do that whenever I go out? I have no self control. Flat out with viewings all day – hell’s teeth. I hear there is trouble at your end already.

S – yes, big row between Laura and Phillip. I only have two viewings – others are keeping expensive properties for themselves and giving me crap ones. I want to come to your office.

C – that is rubbish, I would be fuming. What was the row about?

S – did you go anywhere nice last night? Row was about nothing really; Laura was fussing about the fact that a staff member turned up at our office instead of the Purbeck one and Phillip hit the roof as he had not yet had his Costa Coffee and it was only 8.29am! I want to come to your office.

C – La Caverna, yes it was very good and we managed not to row which was amazing. Think the other lady will retire soon so hopefully not long now. We are having KFC for lunch, yippee.

S – well done not rowing, were you alone or was it the company that stopped the rowing. PS: I have been told by “she of the beige stilettos” that my footwear is not appropriate. Hells teeth as you would say.

C – no, just two of us. Just at viewing at smart £800,000 flat but apparently viewers are time wasters who look at houses for a hobby but never buy. I have a viewing this afternoon with some woman who has won the lottery – lucky cow.

S – So you are trusted with the expensive ones, unlike me.

C – what difference does your footwear make – wait until she is middle aged. Am now at open afternoon at flats with my feet up on my sofa. Apparently, they are happy to sell me the sofas when all flats are sold – great!

S – can you ask about the blue sofa in the other apartment, that one has my name on it.

C – ok, but the penthouse flats have still not been sold, so could be a while.

S – no problem, as I am not in a hurry.

C – damn – viewing with lottery winner has been cancelled – just my luck.

S – just wait till we win the lottery; we will be on our gin palace sipping vino being waited on hand, foot and finger but some eye candy – none of that leaning over the edge and sailing nonsense.

C – talking about leaning over the edge, I have just pulled in at Osmington Mills and, upon glancing out to sea, I spotted my husband in his sailing boat – how the other half live – it can’t be right!!

S – no, not right. I have just had another wasted viewing. I wish staff would ask more questions and truly find out what viewers want so we do not take people to houses they will never want to buy.

C – just had Patrick on the phone and George has done his first night washing up in the restaurant – he now has dish-pan, hands which is a first!

3 June 2014

C – just heading out of the door – infection in my leg is agony but, as per usual, I have to go as I need the money.

S – let me know if I can do anything.

C – got to second clean and they are having a new boiler fitted so am going home, thank goodness – leg has swollen visibly and is very painful.

S – just at doctor’s myself and spotted someone in the waiting room who I do not want to engage with so have decided to hide in the lavatory; if anyone tries the door I will cough loudly and stumble out with magazine in front of my face.

C – bloody hell, just seen the Echo and Dukes sold a miniature vase for £45,000 – why can’t that happen to us?

S- bloody typical. I am at hospital waiting to see consultant for my Temporomandibular joint disorder; am sure it will be a waste of time and that nothing will come of it, as I am not exactly a priority.

Full Transmission Has Been Resumed At Last

Camilla, please watch an epidsode of Friends!

Camilla, please watch an epidsode of Friends!

28 May 2014

C – just arrived at second clean and have just had to listen to a ten minute lecture from the old boy giving me a blow by blow account of what he thinks happened to Flight MH370. Such a tragedy and the conspiracy theories flying around are not helping those left behind. On a brighter note, the saddle fits the pony but God knows how I am going to pay for it – I will have to ask if I can do it in instalments. Had a new note at my first clean today “Please can you wet dust with diluted flash!” – what is that all about?

S – gosh, she is a note a week lady – she definitely has cleanliness issue – a bit of a Monica.

C – I agree, but who is Monica?

S – OMG you need to get out more – have you never seen Friends? (I think we may have had this conversation already – just watch an episode, please). How is your leg?

C – don’t ask. Have been given antibiotics after my second visit to the GP but apparently it could be a viral skin infection and I just have to wait for my body to become immune. I have to wash every towel after it has been used only once and wash everyone’s bedding every couple of days – everyone’s bedding, every couple of days – how am I supposed to do that?

S – why do these things always happen to you?

Later …

C – am now home and, thank God, the TV ariel is now fixed so we have all channels up and running after a whole week of nothing. However, the down side is that I found husband firmly in front of TV snoozing. How the other half live!!!

It Is Torture – Could Ear Plugs Be The Answer?

What do you do?  (Photo from Country Wives)

What do you do? (Photo from Country Wives)

16 February 2014

C – Phoebe having a melt down over maths – will be ringing the school after half-term as I am fed up with all the drama.

S – Sophie shut in her room doing homework all afternoon; at least that is what she is telling me. Jamie away on school trip. Just watching Jennifer Aniston film on TV and she is wearing a grey wrap like mine – I told you it was trendy.

C – well, Phoebe and I thought it was a little strange but if Jen is wearing one, who are we to judge? I notice that we have had a viewer of our blog from Thailand – I wonder if it could have been George checking up on us?

S – could have been. Think it will be an early night for me – struggling with staying awake. Michael was snoring in my ear last night. I had to go downstairs and take to the day bed for some peace and quiet.

C – it is a bugger and it happens to me all the time. Toby sleeps in the chair until 2.00 ish then wakes me up coming to bed, and within seconds is snoring in my ear. It is torture and I do not have a day bed to take to! Was chatting to a friend about this exact problem, she said she has it sorted, she has purchased a pair of ear plugs, could this be the up and coming bedroom must have accessory?

S – I think it could be. Will double check early tomorrow that the leisure centre is still closed – I assume it will be, unless emergency repairs have been made to the roof! Will let you know if Spinning is still on.

C – oh, forgot to say I now have to work tomorrow so can’t Spin anyway. Maybe you could give it a whirl on your own and let me know how it goes.

S – I might have known you would get out of it somehow. I think it will be a case of rebooking when the roof is fixed, so no backing out!!!

Deepest Darkest Dorset

We are a bit behind the times!  (Photo by James Wilsher)

We are a bit behind the times! (Photo by James Wilsher)

S – Camilla has just picked up Sophie and taken her and Phoebe to our local Christmas shopping event called “The Christmas Cracker”. She had with her the glasses mentioned in yesterday’s post and the lights sure are bright. The children thought them very amusing. I can see why Phoebe is worried that her mother will sport them to parents evening, in case she inadvertently switches them on!

Camilla has also been showing them to the ladies she cleans for and they have all been in stitches – is it just us in “Deepest Darkest Dorset” who haven’t seen them before? We are a bit behind the times and rather country bumpkinish! They could catch on – who knows even the “celebs” could be wearing them next.

Hogging The Remote Control. It’s A Man Thing!

Don't get my hands on one of these very often!

Don’t get my hands on one of these very often! (Photo by Ry Young)

C – I have just finished the dreaded holiday house – it was a tip, as usual, but I have managed to combine a haircut, girlie fun and work all at once. This is what I call an excellent morning of multi-tasking (something that the male of the species seem to struggle with). Over coffee, the conversation turned to lifestyles, family and friends – a bit like an episode of Loose Women without all the sitting around! Finally we got around to discussing men and their constant need to be in charge of the television remote; thus forcing us women folk to suffer their appalling choice of programme – my husband is particularly fond of Michael Portillo’s Great Continental Railway Journeys . I was horrified, the other evening, when I noticed that Michael is only half way through that little red guide book he clutches; showing off his fluent French at the drop of a hat in his freshly pressed fuchsia and lemon jackets. At the end of the programme he did actually get his kit off on the beach, but thank heavens he was sporting a Victorian all-in-one swim suit – sighs of relief all round!

S – The only vain hope left is that our husbands will nod off enabling us to carefully remove the remote from their sticky little fingers, so that we can catch the end of the Strictly re-run. I do envy those whose husbands are forced to frequently work away from family and home – poor souls, lucky wives!