I Don’t Believe It!

17 July 2014

S – can you believe it; a staff member has been redeployed to our section. She has been on long-term sick and, while she was away, they decided her post was surplus to requirements. So, here she is redeployed into my office – a good friend for “you know who!” How goes your day?

C – OMG cannot beleive that lazy cow has been redeployed, she was hopeless when we were working together and I cannot imagine she will have changed. They will make a good pair! Watch this space as they say!!! As for my day so far it has been hot, sticky and exhausting. I wish I could be paid for not working, like some of your colleagues. Toby left this morning for four days sailing in Cornwall so, as well as cleaning and the estate agents on Saturday, I also have to check all the stock – how is that going to work!!?? I suppose I will have to be up and about at 5.30 in the morning to cover my work load.

S – it is too much to ask. Come over to us on Sunday evening – at least you won’t have to cook if you eat with us; I will get Michael to do a BBQ. Is all quiet now in the antipodes – I assume all birthday celebrations and night clubbing are over?

C – BBQ on Sunday would be great – don’t let Michael cremate it!! Yes, things seem to have quietened down on the other side of the world, at least for the time being. Toby always remarks that “no news is good news” but I am not sure that I beleive that one. My view is that it is “the calm before the storm” but, all joking aside, I think they may be exhausted with all the party fun – at least let’s hope they are.

S – can’t cope with this heat I am melting and think I could have a case of prickly heat coming on. Remember our holiday in Spain when I suffered so badly from it?

C – yes, but it was great fun and we have some good memories (except for the prickly heat). Neither of us really do the heat do we? It is a good job we are not wealthy and trying to spend our cash on sun drenched holidays – every cloud has a silver lining!


Who Is This Guy Will Power Anyway?

Do I need to know?

Do I need to know?

30 June 2014

C – have been invited to the in-laws for a BBQ so have decided to eat, drink, sit and be merry.

S – what a good idea and you won’t have to cook – could not be better. I, on the other hand, am slaving over a hot stove and have already opened the wine – as usual no will power.

C – who is this guy Will Power – I don’t know him?

S – I don’t know him either.

C – just on third glass of wine. Why do people drink so slowly, and why is my glass always the first one to be empty?

S – it is because we enjoy the grape so much and people never pour wine quickly enough.

1 July 2014

C – OMG just at usual clean. They are off to France for a month and I have just had a blow by blow account of their imminent journey. I have been through each village along with a full history of each stopping point. All I care about is that I will loose a month’s money. The lucky cattery owner will have one month’s full board for “pussy”.

S – damn, you need the money – maybe we could fit a couple of those contract cleans in to top up funds. My texts may be gibberish as I have new Blackberry phone – one that has been cast aside by Sophie.

C – don’t worry about gibberish – I spend my life, it would seem, listening to gibberish; nidding and nodding. Under pressure today as I have an appointment at 2.00pm, so need to get done. Toby taking sheep to Salisbury Market. I asked him if he was organised to which he replied “Oh yes”, as if it was a very stupid question. I got a call just as I was delivering Phoebe to the bus to say he had forgotten the ear tags, so could I deliver them to the field. I wanted to say no but, dutiful spouse that I am, I returned home. I found the ear tags but couldn’t find the key to the quad bike. Eventually I tracked it down only to find that the quad bike would not start because the battery was flat. I then had to walk miles to deliver the ear tags and am fuming as I am now very late for work.

S – what a kerfuffle and all before 9.00am. Think you should start charging Toby for your time. Can’t find delete button on this damn Blackberry so texts could be a bit dodgy.

C – are you busy in the office? I am at second clean. The poor old girl has dementia and tells me the same thing each week – please shoot me if I get that bad.

S – ok. Will be busy in a minute stuffing envelopes – what fun.

C – just reading the TV Times and that Fiona Bruce looks amazing and is talking about the joys of being 50. I am sure it is joyous when you are thin and rich.

S – yes, she is both of those things in abundance.

C – just had a hideous thought – having been in France for a month they may invite me to view holiday snaps – what is “No Way” in French?

S – I am not sure – will look it up for you. This phone is so much better than my old one. I feel so up-do-date with my second hand Blackberry. My kids would call me sad but I don’t care.

A Tweet Like That Could Go Viral

This is where we should be!

This is where we should be!

30 April 2014

C – Patrick was on the phone last night – he is beside himself at finally having George with him. There is a photo of them on Facebook

S – just looked – how I wish we were there with them.

C – just had another call from Patrick on my mobile – he is high as a kite on fresh air just having George there. How are things in the office?

S – I am keeping my head down. What are Patrick and George up to in Queensland?

C – they are going to Patrick’s brother as one of his children is getting married and George is invited, of course. Yes, Patrick was saying we should all be there – how sad it would be if we never get back to Oz. I am thinking that is what will happen to me, especially as Toby likes to give away every penny I earn. Was tossing and turning all night over the tenant issue.

S – have Buffered six Tweets – it is easier than I thought and not as time consuming as I had imagined – The Wine Wankers told us to get Tweeting and we have been slack in this department but not any more!

C – well done you, keep buffering girl. Just back from seeing the doctor with Phoebe – the eczema is so bad on her hands. We have had two lots of useless antibiotics and a stack of cream which cost a fortune and have now been given the steroid cream I begged for in the first place. I did suggest a referral to a specialist might be a good idea but this suggestion was poo pooed.

S – I think they must get some sort of commission if they keep their referrals under a certain number because it is almost impossible to get one unless you are on death’s door.

C – was reading the paper whilst waiting to see the doctor and this headline caught my eye and I quote: “Money getting you down? The doctor will see you now”. The article suggests that your GP should be offering financial advice due to the stress people are suffering form being in debt and that money worries damage patients’ wellbeing. Financial concerns are “Getting in the way of good health” and maybe doctors could prescribe appointments with financial advisers on the NHS – whatever next? Just turned the page and low and behold another great headline: “Yes, being married can make you depressed” – a Tweet like that could go viral!

Later …

C – oh no, I have to help Toby dehorn the calves – a hideous job – hot and smelly, whatever the weather – just like I will be when I have finished.

S – you should not be doing that. Don’t get kicked.

C – need George back but will have to do my best.

Financial Situation Will Only Get Worse With University On The Horizon

No Piggy Bank to raid!

No Piggy Bank to raid!

29 April 2014

C – had e-mail from George to say he has filled in the student finance forms and submitted them online, so we just need to do our bit and it is sorted, thank goodness. Am bored, bored, bored with cleaning – why have we not been discovered – I need that fame and, in particular, that fortune? Financial situation is only going to get worse with this university thing – the cost of it all scares me. I told Toby that we need to sell some ewes and lambs to pay the Council Tax and he said they will wait – since when I ask?

S – since never, the council do not wait for their money, a bit like the Inland Revenue.

C – how are things in your neck of the woods? Am at second clean and fed up; old boy not very well and in bed and she is beside herself that he will die and she will be left alone. Bugger old age; it is not my bag – all that grief and distress is not for me. I will drink more wine and at least I will have worn out my internal organs and had my moneys worth.

S – yes, old age can be very trying – we will have to ride through it together if we get there. Lady I work with is off on holiday again, not sure how she does it on her salary – she must be digging money up in her garden.

C – wish I was, oh forgot I have not got a garden – bugger that is where I have gone wrong; and to add to my grief my tax disk has just run out so have got to pull another £250 out of my arse to pay for that. No wonder I drink too much wine!

S – perhaps I should start digging in my garden for both of us.

C – good idea. We have lambs being born every day again now – they are all first time mothers and as mad as hatters – they keep running away when the lamb is born; a natural reaction I suppose when you haven’t done it before. And to boot I have just phoned the estate agents to claim commission for a house I sold that completed last Friday. Apparently, when a sale has completed you don’t get paid until the month after the completion – how does that work?

S – damn cheek – you need that money. and those boots have got your name on them, I will get into town tomorrow and see if they are in the sale yet.

C – well, you don’t need to worry because I happen to know one of the sales assistants and have asked her to give me the heads up if they are in the sale, but sadly no news yet.

A Friend In Need

7 April 2014

C – good to hear that you are on the mend from your virus, it takes time to bounce back. Just had a call from a dear friend who is in need of our services – are you free on Monday; it sounds bad?

S – yes as it happens, all is under control my end (for a change) so I am ready, willing and able.

C – ok, following a long and emotional phone call it seems as if she has lost control of her house and she needs a major spring clean to get it back on track and under control.

S – I love a challenge, will be at yours first thing with Clit Bang in one hand and vacuum cleaner in the other.

C – great, you can have the bathrooms and I will attack the cooker. Whilst I was doing a recky yesterday I found this book and thought you would enjoy the joke!!

S – yes, How Clean Is Your House – not very. We will soon whip it into shape. Did you have a good weekend?

C – I did get a rest as not working. However, Toby wanted to move the cattle yet again. If you remember it was raining rather hard. We managed to lose them twice in the woods, which was scary to say the least, but after much shouting and running they were recovered and are now safely back in their new field. As per usual I was the one on shank’s pony, whilst others enjoyed the luxury of the quad bikes.

Where is my quad bike?

Where is my quad bike?

He Is Rodding The Drain

2 April 2014

S – am fed up already. Got soaked walking to work. The heavens opened. Shoes and socks are now on the radiator at work and I am sitting here in wet trousers. Could not take them off – would not want to inflict that on anyone!

C – oh damn, was Michael not around to take you in? Just off to viewing in Osmington with a lovely couple who have a large flat in London to sell, so pots of money there.

S – no, he is rodding the drain! I now have the dreadful cold the rest of the family have. Throat very sore, can hardly swallow anyway so being on baby food not a problem! I have only just got over the last virus.

C – Toby has it so I made him sleep in George’s room – I have not got time for a cold?

S – Toby will be fine in George’s little room.

C – have you heard they are having a gathering to celebrate opening the new office next week and are offering to buy us all dinner afterwards. Are you up for that, as I have to let them know and I do not want to go on my own?

S – yes, don’t often get the offer of a free dinner. What time?

C – 1830 at the office. Are you dry yet?

S – yes, all dried out and socks and shoes back on. 1830 will be fine; I will pick you up just before six. How is George getting along in New Zealand?

C – he is having a great time and is flying to Sydney in a couple of days. However, I have had a tenancy agreement through for his uni accommodation along with a bill for £500 (he organised it before he left). Bit of a struggle to find that, especially as we won’t see any money from the lambs for some time. Every Friday morning I get an alarm message from my bank giving me details of my balance – I am afraid all it ever does is fill me with alarm!

S – better to know the bad news each week than to wait for that bank statement to arrive!

Text Messages Could Be Even Stranger Than Usual!

She needs some flats!

She needs some flats!


S – there has been rather a break in communication, yet again. We can only say sorry for this. I spent two days in bed with yet another hideous virus – sore throat, temperature the lot, but thankfully fairly short lived. I think Toby and Camilla are on the home straits with regard to the lambing. Toby was muttering about the Annual Rugby Tour that is coming up but, with all those sheep and lambs, I think Camilla’s words were, “over my dead body” or similar! However, she has been saying this for the last 25 years and he always seems to manage to be tripping out of the door with his overnight bag in his hands on the Tour departure date – watch this space!!!

31 March 2014

C – how is your TJD? I have forgotten my glasses so my text messages could be even stranger than usual.

S – it is pretty much the same. I will be on the baby food for the next six months at this rate! First proper day at estate agents and I am shadowing – what fun!

C – poor you. I am at South Point Flats – think I may get an offer on one, please God. Just reading a paper and headline reads “Hunt for Man’s Penis. Major road was closed while Police searched the area after a man’s penis was severed in an attack”. No, it was not his jealous wife! He must have been poking it somewhere he should not have been!

S – oh dear, not pleasant. Lady I am with is doing viewings in the soggy Dorset countryside in a pair or beige stiletto heels. She has aerated several lawns today and nearly went down on one occasion! Another offer – you must be a star in your office.

C – it is only a possible offer – it is not on the table yet!