Eyes Glazed Over And Definitely Past My “Sell By” Date

Having a Reggie Perrin moment! (Photo by lluviadeenlaces.wordpress.com)

14 January 2015

C – just thinking about lunch, I managed to make a ham roll before leaving the house, but have to be honest and say the roll is a bit past its sell by date, like me, so not over excited about eating it. May have to pop out and find something a bit more delicious to keep me going this afternoon. Any suggestions?

S – M&S always the best. I have dip and raw carrots – very healthy!

C – yum, I fancy some of that will pop down to M&S and see what they have to offer.

S – Michael brought me to work this morning as my car is in the garage – it failed its MOT – needs new headlight and wheel baring – about £200! What fun. Just seem to tip everything I earn into someone else’s pocket!

C – oh bugger it, bloody cars just drain every penny one has. I look around at the people in this office who seem to have lovely clothes, immaculate hair and are constantly holidaying in Shamal Shake (can’t spell it), or similar. I can’t even afford a weekend away, still have not paid this months Council Tax, credit card is maxed out and Toby is swanning around as if we do not have a care in the world!

S – holiday for the two of us in Sharm el Sheikh would be very nice! Still have all afternoon to go in this office – not sure I can stand it – it is also so cold here today!

C – lovely and toasty in my new temperature controlled office. Maybe that is why there is some woman here, the very wrong side of 50, walking around in an extremely short knitted skirt and a see through blouse; what is that all about? She clearly did not look in the mirror this morning. Am feeling out of shape myself. We really need to do some kind of low impact exercise at the gym. All this sitting and eating is just going to continue to pile on the pounds; maybe we could look at Pilates Classes. I know we have talked about this before, and nothing came of it, but we could go straight after work so then we won’t have to go home and come back again. We could change at the gym then take our sweaty bodies home afterwards. What do you think?

S – I think it is a good idea – will look at Leisure Centre website.  This time we need to take it seriously and do something.

C – well, am very bored and my eyes are glazeing over looking at this computer. I feel like running up and down the office screaming blue murder – reminds me of Reggie Perrin on the TV many years ago. Help, am sinking into depression.

I Am Never Behind The Wheel!

Why is my car always in one of these? (Photo by http://www.clker.com)

6 October 2014

C – am off my face today – just two of us to clean whole of holiday house and I have to take Toby’s mother to the hospital at midday. Broom firmly up arse as usual.

S – can’t Toby take her?

C – apparently not, as he is shearing sheep’s bums!!! I beleive the technical term is dagging.

C – will have to cancel our evening out as chaos at home. Toby called me at 4 o’clock to say that we need to be at the Grassland Society Dinner tonight and will have to leave home at 6 o’clock – he forgot to tell me. The truck has failed its MOT and needs loads of money spending on it. Eleanor is kindly taking Phoebe to Pony Club for me – let’s just hope they don’t fall out! So, our pleasant evening at Brewery Square will have to be postponed.

S – don’t worry – we can do it another time. All peace and quiet at mine thank goodness. Have a good evening. Are the Grassland Society a fun bunch?

C – no! And, forgot to say, received another photograph of my car being driven in a bus lane in Oxford today, along with a super duper fine to go with it. So, Toby is no better than George as it was him driving my car in the bus lane, and the last time I had one of these photos George was driving my car!!!

Sex Always Sells, It Seems

16 July 2014

C – thank goodness Michael Gove has gone – we need a new Education Minister to do something positive. Lots of views on blog yesterday.

S – good – I am going to do a re-blog today of a post I have been saving from The Fearful Dragon. We so need to get together; are you free on Sunday?

C – am at dressage with Phoebe and we do not have our times yet. Just realised I have missed the chiropodist and she is on holiday during July and August.

S – phone her to see if she can fit you in later. Our damn tumble dryer has broken down. It is in pieces in the kitchen. Michael can fix it but we need a part and, as it is an American dryer, it could be difficult to get it.

C – nothing is ever easy. However, I have just phoned the chiropodist and she can fit me in later – hooray. Have you looked at our Facebook – the photo of the naked men cleaning a car has been very popular – sex always sells, it seems?

(S – here it is for those of you who have not seen it on Facebook).

Later …

C – after a morning spent cleaning I am now at the estate agents – they were short staffed and I need the extra cash. How are things at your end?

S – very quiet – is it busy down there?

C – manic – how is it that you always manage to land the easy jobs? I have a viewing at 3.30 pm and then I will be on the dreaded phone outs – not looking forward to that.

S – ah, but don’t forget you have those flats and that sofa you sit on every other Saturday, while I am nose to the grind stone!

C – forgot to tell you; Patrick and George were still partying last night and there was some issue over them gaining entrance to a night club. A small scuffle ensued invovling George and the bouncers. Fortunately, no arrests were made – can that boy never stay out of trouble and Patrick should now better at his age?

Some Rather Large Bills Coming Our Way

Cars Often Expensive And Unreliable
Like Men!

Preamble

S – before posting today’s texts I feel I should explain that Camilla and I have both had “car trouble” this week which has culminated in the prospect of some rather large bills. Camilla and I were cleaning together today as we had the chance to service some flats that have remained unsold for some time. Both our cars are in the garage so we were using an old banger that her garage had lent her. When I got home my Michael was a little pompous and overbearing about the problems with my car and the overly large bill that is coming our way.

16 December 2013

S – have just got home and things are just as we discussed – it is my fault that the head gasket has gone on the Citroen. According to my husband, I do not drive using enough revs and I change into fourth gear too soon! This apparently causes head gaskets to deteriorate. We had rather a loud discussion about this theory and I did point our that I had never, in my 33 years of driving, experienced this problem. Why do men think that they are so much more competent behing the wheel of a car than a woman?

C – I haven no idea. On another note I have changed GP as I am fed up with the “no appointment” system that my old one used. I have had to fill in a form with general information along with a large number of questions about my drinking habits. This question in particular was a little alarming “How often in the last year have you found you were not able to stop drinking once you had started?” – OMG think I might have to be economical with the truth regarding that one.

S – yes, GPs would have us all tea total if they had their way.

Language On Grand Theft Auto Five Is Appalling!

Fuck, fuck and more fuck – is this language necessary on an X-Box game?

Preamble

Conrad – have just noticed your earings – we do love that photo!

14 November 2013

C – oh dear “you know who” has decided to call in and see how George is. He can’t speak but never mind. Hope coast is clean by the time I get home, no heating on at home so hopefully nobody will be hanging around. PS: I think I should mention that I am living in fuel poverty and, to boot, all this blogging is playing havoc with my Radio 4 listening.

16 November 2013

C – had to laugh as I passed your cottage. Think you were right about the couple – all downstairs lights off – only upstairs bedroom light on. You will have to snap on the Marigolds and boil the sheets on Monday.

S – I have taken note and will have Marigolds at the ready.

Later …

C – how are stats – need to know even when at a party?

S – have written another post but it needs checking for indiscretions as I have blogged whilst under the influence – have broken golden rule. 47 views, so good. Enjoy party!

C – will check when I get home; thanks for having Phoebe – just texted her and she said Grand Theft Auto Five is the best thing ever 

S – well, I have just gone into Jamie’s room and the language on Grand Theft Auto Five is appalling. When I protested I was told to “settle petal”! I had no idea when I bought it! Am I being an old fart, or does anyone else agree?

17 November 2013

S – guests have just left and comment in book reads – beautiful cottage and amazing bed!!!!!

Sitting On The Sofa Not A Good Idea

Must not do this again!

13 August 2013

C – just called the doctor to see if x-ray results are back. Apparently, there is a back log and it now takes at least two weeks to get results. Could be dead and gone by that time! What a state the NHS is in.

S – I am sure they would have contacted you if they were worried, or let’s hope so!

23 August 2013

C – thanks for your call tonight. Had a lovely dinner with George to celebrate his success.

S – what success? Did he do well in exams?

C – yes, he got into university – has been confirmed so the boy has done well, lets hope it lasts. He is going to defer for a year but is definitely going next year, and he has got some work experience.

2 September 2013

C – had to share this with you. Just resting on sofa (God forbid) and the phone rings. Some guests who stayed last week calling to ask if I found a child’s “princess” knife and fork set and can I send it in the post. Have heard it all now!!!

C – just going to give the sitting on the sofa thing another go, no doubt someone will have a crisis for me to sort out – will give it 15 minutes.

S – not sure that sitting on the sofa is such a good idea – you need to keep your finger on the pulse.

C – you were right, sitting on sofa thing not a good idea. Phoebe says she is in agony with throat because she has tonsillitis, as I keep telling the doctor who won’t give her antibiotics. George is really ill with it as well, but went to work. He has just phoned me. He was stopped by the police on the way because he was not wearing a seat belt. It transpired that his MOT is out of date so he got a £200 on the spot fine! Definitely not sitting on sofa again.

S – I told you that sitting around is for others – look what happens when you take your finger off the pulse.

The Six Million Dollar Man!!!

Our truck could be terminal!

C – It never rains but it pours – one vehicle in the garage, possibly terminal, George has been in hospital to have his tonsils removed and now mother-in-law is unwell. Must dust off the Florance Nightingale outfit once again.

Toby returned form another busy day sailing and asked with that cheery tone “where is the family”? I replied Pheobe in her bedroom asleep after the usual non-sleeping sleepover teenagers insist on putting parents through as often as they possibly can. George has not been seen since Friday evening regardless of the recovery period necessary post tonsillectomy, and the fact that he has a fully functional mobile (paid for by the bank of Mum and Dad). His phone never seems to stop buzzing, vibrating and dinging every hour of the day and night. However, he does not seem able to take a few moments out of his busy life to let his mother know that he is not dead in a ditch.

He clearly thinks he is the Six Million Dollar Man and can recover from major surgery with immediate effect. Okay now I am showing my age. I hear myself complaining loudly to husband about the lack of communication from his son. (Toby has taken up his usual position in front of the TV clutching the remote control as if his life depended upon not allowing another mortal access to it). In response he utters those inimitable words that send the hairs on the back of my neck into the vertical position; “No news is good news”.

Things pretty much as usual in my household this evening, then.

Where Are Those Keys?

Where are they?

Preamble

C – Joy short lived – loss of keys not on George’s insurance but on husbands. So it looks like I will be digging deep into my pockets, yet again, to replace them. The only problem is that pockets are getting emptier by the minute!!!

4 June 2013

C – OMG, headlines in Telegraph – “Ladies Who Lunch Too Well”. Middle class women in denial over alcohol. Oh can’t be me I am working class.

S – can’t be me either – I am a carer in a sandwich!

C – had to take new bra off – it was cutting me in half. Have washed it in the hope that it will stretch! How are you getting on with yours?

S – I am afraid I have had the same problem but I am sure they will stretch given time and washing!!

Fifty Shades Of Beige (Grumpy Old Women)

Whatever happened to customer service? “Grumpy Old Woman” strikes again!

C – A very poor night’s sleep was had tossing and turning, with images of myself spread eagled on the pavement next to sports car, flashing through my mind. Yesterday was my first official day at the Estate Agents. I did, in the end, manage to heave myself in and out of the sports car without showing myself up. The very nice young man, whist admiring my waxed country jacket, did say that his mother had one exactly the same – I did feel rather matriarchal, yet again. The day was most enjoyably viewing very expensive and luxurious properties, however, I had to take issue with the condition of the cups, the kitchen and general cleanliness around the office – is this me reverting type (once a cleaning lady always a cleaning lady!). I am a big fan of Location, Location, Location (and of Kirsty and Phil, of course) so I have been trying to pick some tips up from them.

I am not so fond of Currys, however. My daughter’s very old TV has broken. I bought a new one for her today from Sainsbury’s. However, when we got home the cable from her old TV did not fit. I went to Curry’s to purchase what I was assured would be the correct cable and was served by a very churlish young man. My daughter has just tried to attach this new cable and it does not fit. Phoebe is now ranting and raving and nashing her teeth and Currys is shut, so I cannot return there until tomorrow to rant and rave myself!!! If the churlish young man does not resolve this situation I will be shoving that cable where the sun does not shine, so he had better hope it is his day off! “Grumpy Old Woman” strikes again. On reflection, maybe I should not be so aggressive, but it has not been the best of days today, and has been topped off with the news that George has lost both sets of his car keys and has had to call the AA out. The only light at the end of the tunnel is that I have extra cover for lost car keys – oh joy!

Never Work With Children Or Animals

How am I going to exit these bucket seats in style?

C – I was recently appointed as a part time sales negotiator with a local branch of Estate Agents. I have spent some hours today in “training” for my new role, lots to learn, computer system, jargon, telephone system, middle aged brain is now seriously overloaded.

I am feeling very matriarchal as the average age in the office is about 16 and I feel like the old battleaxe. Must make a mental note to read more of the blog entitled How Not To Act Old by Pamela Redmond Satran for some tips, as I will be spending most of Saturday accompanying a very young man to a number of viewings. I noticed to my horror, as I was departing the office, that he has a very small flashy sports car with those bucket seats that I will have to shoehorn myself in and out of several times during the day. I so do not want to make a fool of myself needing to be prized from the bucket seat, unable to get enough purchase with my middle aged limbs to make an impressive exit from the aforesaid flashy sports car. Must not wear a skirt or high heels.

IT Guru, Rich Baby, came over this evening to give Sheshe and myself a master class in getting Google to find our blog easily and blogging in general. Two hours of intensive computer info, my brain has now expired so am using wine to regenerate the few remaining cells. Seriously, am now not sure if we have got a handle on the whole blogging thing, the final straw that broke the camel’s back was when we realised the “Instagram Widget” (which we need to help us spread our blog to the world) can only be accessed via a smart phone app or Apple device. Neither of us have such expensive, sort after phones, unlike our kids who have them firmly pressed into their hot little hands and are constantly tapping away at them like birds, Instagraming and Snapchatting to their hearts content. Therefore, we cannot access this widget until we can upgrade our old “brick like” phone technology. The sad truth is that, even if would could afford to upgrade, it would take us a month of Sundays to get to grips with how to use them. This is, of course, the reason we stick with our old phones; hanging on to the past for dear life instead of being the cool mums our kids constantly remind us their friends have. We have failed yet again.

And finally, my daughter announced to IT Guru, Rich Baby, much to my embarrassment, that she overheard Sheshe and myself discussing foreplay. “How disgusting is that!!!” she cried. I pointed out to Rich Baby, with a very red face, that we were talking hypothetically and using the phrase as a technical blogging term. Not sure it washed but he was polite enough not to discuss the matter any further. Phew, think I may have got away with that one!!!! The advice is never work with children or animals as they always let you down in company,