No Sofas Here

I need a job with Camilla!

I need a job with Camilla!

4 December 2014

C – hope you are at your desk clocking up the hours.  As I descended the stairs this morning I thought oh good I am off to work for a rest, these words I have heard you utter on numerous occasions. Well I have joined the club. I was the first person in the office today 0755 clock in a good start to the day. Had a call from George and he sounded a bit down in the dumps – I think too much partying has caused a bit of a melt down!

S – you are good – 0755!! As you say work is now when you rest and recuperate for the rigours of your days off!! I am resting working at the Hospital today. I have nice cup of tea at my side – so win, win I say. I am sure George will be partying hard again soon.

C – a new admin girl has started today; extremely glamorous, tall, slim, very high heeled shoes, hair and make up perfect!!!

S – just what you need to make you feel good. You have little to do – what will she do?

C – she seems to be in the general admin section so not sure how busy they are. I will be away from my desk for a while as I have catch up meeting in the BREAKOUT AREA with the Head of Admin. That should take my mind off food for a while as I will have to be seen to be taking some notes. Oh no !!!!!!!!!!!

S – what the hell are you catching up on in the BREAKOUT AREA – sounds like an excuse to sit on a comfy “Friends Style Sofa” with a cuppa in your hand. I am thinking I need a job in your office – we don’t have any sofas here – please let me know if anything is going – I mean that!

C – yes I will. The meeting is about the unmatched files; all 1798 of them and how we are going to tackle the job.  Have had the meeting and I have typed up the processes necessary so pressure is on!!! The new lady has immaculate hair; not one out of place whilst I look like I have been dragged through a hedge backwards.  Washed my hair and left it down as I have been told by my daughter that I am now too old for pony tail in public!


Sex Always Sells, It Seems

16 July 2014

C – thank goodness Michael Gove has gone – we need a new Education Minister to do something positive. Lots of views on blog yesterday.

S – good – I am going to do a re-blog today of a post I have been saving from The Fearful Dragon. We so need to get together; are you free on Sunday?

C – am at dressage with Phoebe and we do not have our times yet. Just realised I have missed the chiropodist and she is on holiday during July and August.

S – phone her to see if she can fit you in later. Our damn tumble dryer has broken down. It is in pieces in the kitchen. Michael can fix it but we need a part and, as it is an American dryer, it could be difficult to get it.

C – nothing is ever easy. However, I have just phoned the chiropodist and she can fit me in later – hooray. Have you looked at our Facebook – the photo of the naked men cleaning a car has been very popular – sex always sells, it seems?

(S – here it is for those of you who have not seen it on Facebook).

Men and Car

Later …

C – after a morning spent cleaning I am now at the estate agents – they were short staffed and I need the extra cash. How are things at your end?

S – very quiet – is it busy down there?

C – manic – how is it that you always manage to land the easy jobs? I have a viewing at 3.30 pm and then I will be on the dreaded phone outs – not looking forward to that.

S – ah, but don’t forget you have those flats and that sofa you sit on every other Saturday, while I am nose to the grind stone!

C – forgot to tell you; Patrick and George were still partying last night and there was some issue over them gaining entrance to a night club. A small scuffle ensued invovling George and the bouncers. Fortunately, no arrests were made – can that boy never stay out of trouble and Patrick should now better at his age?

Full Fridges And Wine Racks

Why does my wine rack always look like this?  (Photo from

Why does my wine rack always look like this? (Photo from

8 June 2014

C – was thinking, all those houses I clean have full fridges and wine racks. I am always scratching around for a bottle of wine – is that because I have no money or because, if I have wine, it has to be drunk.

S – think it is the latter, as with me.

C – oh, that is disappointing. I was hoping you would say that, as connoisseurs of wine, it is our duty to taste as much as we can, broaden our palettes and share our knowledge with a wider audience. In fact we drink to help others!! I see it as a vocation that not everyone can rise to. Oh, and it helps if you can open a bottle a day! Let’s face it no one knows when their number will be up. How dreadful to ‘pop one’s clogs’ leaving a full wine rack to someone who may not appreciate it.

9 June 2014

S – just had supervision and was girding my loins for another telling off; my internet use has been rather excessive, but all was rosy – hallelujah!

C – good, you cover all the work quickly and efficiently and are hardly ever sick so what would anyone have to complain about? When will ‘you know who’ get a conscience about his work ethic. Just cleaned our flat; do you ever think life is one long round of drudgery, with no time off for good behaviour?

S – that is a good question. All I seem to do at the moment, with five of us in the house, is clean and wash and cook.

C – oh joy, I have just picked Phoebe up and we had a huge row, as she is predicted an E in her Maths GCSE – all we need is a C. I have a tutor starting next week at great expense. PS: and, of course, it is all my fault because I am so bad at Maths, at which point I reminded her that I ran my own business very successfully for ten years and did all my accounts, so I cannot be that dim!

S – just got your message, poor you but I am sure it will all come out in the wash.

10 June 2014

S – off to a presentation on changes that are happening re work for an hour and a half. Think I will have to tuck myself in a corner and have a snooze; I am sure it will be a bit like the DES training.

C – at least it is a short presentation. Hope you have resolved row over laptop that you told me about last night and that no blood has been shed at your house – last thing you need is rowing over something you can’t do anything about.

S – yes, Michael fixed the laptop so all sweetness and light in our house at the moment.

Rugby Trip Causes Rift

Think things have now been patched up!  (Photo

The Game of Rugby – a bit like married life! (Photo

8 May 2014

S – Michael has just read our post of yesterday. His comment was that, in some cultures, it is the duty of a good wife to be fully adept at pleasing her husband – not in ours was my reply!!!

C – I would rather learn to change a car tyre or strip down an engine than that! TV man is hopefully coming tomorrow. I managed to find a large pile of ironing which kept me busy for some time. Also, Toby managed to get onto iPlayer last night on his laptop and it worked a treat – he was sound asleep in the chair within minutes and I was able to slide off to bed undisturbed to read my book – result. How are things in the office? Patrick has been on the phone non stop. He has been in his home town visiting all the old faces. George is with him and they are threatening to put a ghastly photo of me in my shorts with my very, very white legs on Facebook. I told George there would be no topping up his account if that photo goes public.

S – those white legs should be kept under wraps – you don’t want them plastered over Facebook. Am alone in office, thank goodness.

C – on second clean and then need to go to town to shuffle funds around, yet again. Oh, and have had massive row with Toby who thought he was going on the Rugby Tour. Have told him in no uncertain terms that if he goes he need not bother to come back as I will have changed the locks on the doors. Think I made myself clear!

S – when was he planning on going on the Rugby Trip and has he already paid for it?

C – tomorrow, I think. As you can imagine we are not speaking. Do not think he has stumped up any money as he does not have any. He is sleeping in George’s room so next thing he will be having and affair because his wife does not understand him. That will give us some blogging material!

S – he will get over it. Who was supposed to look after all that livestock while he was away jollying it up?

C – he was asking friends to help but, ultimately, it was me and we are still lambing. I queried what I would do if they all got out, as they have done in the past, and how would I to round them up alone? I have too many other jobs to be doing his one as well.

S – you were right to say that; looking after all that livestock is way too much to ask of you.

C – that is the polite version of what I said, as I recall.

A little Later …

S – I am now at third clean – small black haired dog has been hanging from the back of my trousers – I want to turn.

S – so no improvement there then. I thought she was taking it to dog training classes.

C – she did once, but it let her down rather badly so she decided not to go again. Some good news – I have just had a text from Phoebe and her Pavlova for her GCSE when very well – hooray we can rest easy for five minutes.

S – oh good, I am pleased but don’t go relaxing on that sofa when you get home – you know it will only end in tears.

I Was Having A Lovely Day Until I Saw You!

Princess Anne and Paparazzi not a good mix! (Photo by Miguel Ugalde)

Princess Anne and Paparazzi not a good mix! (Photo by Miguel Ugalde)

21 January 2014

S – when has Phoebe got her Science ISA – mine had theirs yesterday and they both said the second paper was very difficult, and that the preparation they had done did not seem to be particularly relevant – what is happening with these new GCSEs – even the teachers don’t seem to know what to expect?

C – bit fed up myself. Phoebe has hers today so don’t know how she has done yet. The teachers seem to come and go with eye watering regularity which creates an atmosphere of inconsistency and general mayhem, even before you take into account the changes to the GCSE system brought in by Michael Gove and his cronies.

Michael Gove Pin Cushion Voodoo Doll - we all need one!

Michael Gove Pin Cushion Voodoo Doll – we all need one! (from Snorkers Imaginarium)

S – yes, read article yesterday in the Daily Telegraph entitled “Children hit by an onslaught of stress over exams, bullying and sex” – not a pleasant read.

C – yes, I read that article but my eye was drawn to the one below entitled “Not amused, no baby talk by Anne – here it is in full, it was printed under a photo of Anne on her horse. “The Princess Royal riding on her Gatcombe Park Estate in Gloucestershire yesterday (lucky cow). Asked by a photographer if she was having a nice day with her new granddaughter, she said: “I was having a lovely day until I saw you”. That Prinky Anne has always had a poor relationship with the paparazzi.

S – very funny – like that one. However, back to our original topic – are anyone else’s children stressing about the new GCSE format, and the Science ISAs in particular?

Later …

C – sorry, forgot to ask how Michael is doing after his brain surgery – did they find one?

S – he knew you would ask that. All went well although he is feeling a bit battered and bruised so, under doctor’s orders, is taking it easy!

C – some people have all the luck – I could do with some doctor’s orders like that!

S – have you noticed that we have a follower in the United Arab Emerites.

C – Oh very interesting, we have gone global.

How To Be A Model Of Serene Confidence!

On the British queue so perfectly!

Oh the British queue so perfectly!

C – On Tuesday evening we were invited to school for a presentation on “Helping Your Children Through Their GCSEs”. There was a crocodile of parents on the way into the theatre for this. Whilst queuing patiently to gain access I overheard another parent, who we will refer to as “The She Devil”, bragging loudly to another parent how they had struggled on their son’s behalf to fill in the Oxford and Cambridge University application forms, and the grades that were required to achieve their goal. I wanted to turn round and ask her if she could talk any louder because there were some parents at the front of the crocodile who had not heard! And, to boot, I know that the teachers at the school go to great lengths to help all students with their university applications!

Anyway, I digress; I really wanted to tell you about the evening. It was, naturally, very helpful as the school are most keen to enable all students to achieve their very best. However, there were some funny moments. Sheshe’s started before she left the house. When Jamie found out about the presentation he suggested that staying at home and opening a bottle of white would be a much more constructive way to spend the evening.

We were given some very useful tips. One of the best ones was the suggestion that, as parents, we aim to “Be a model of serene confidence” when talking to our children about their GCSEs and school work in general. We both felt that this was perhaps an unattainable goal (the bar may have been set too high).

We were asked by the presenter to come up with some strategies for ourselves in coping with the stress of the coming two years. Our little group took no time at all in identifying the only way of dealing with this aforesaid stress – one little word – it begins with “W” and ends with “E” – can it be counted as part of our five a day, I wonder?

In spite of all this our thanks must go to the teachers who stayed so late to give us some very good advice on helping our children through this stressful time.

Who Needs Home Clothes Day?

18 July 2013

C – OMG feel dreadful; have decided that I have a bad relationship with alcohol and cannot say no. Must not accept any invitations out as I cannot be trusted to behave well!

S – where did you go? I was good and didn’t have anything to drink, as stressing about liver scan I had yesterday.

C – Viva Lounge then Thai, food was great. Think I am going to expire in this heat!

S – I have big fan in my office, the size of a small tyre. Think the girl who was here before me must have slept with someone to get it.

C – Hell’s teeth – home clothes day tomorrow at school. There will be tears before bed time, mark my words.

S – just what I thought when I got the text message from THS but apparently we are fine. Going to wear dungaree shorts and crop top. Not sure that falls into appropriate school wear but I don’t care as long as I avoid home clothes tantrum.

C – it has started in my house, the dreaded home clothes tantrum – every item of clothing Phoebe owns is out and being paraded. She does not have any shoes to wear apparently – last time I kicked my way in the door of that bedroom I counted at least 18 pairs!!

C – oh and by the by I REALLY need a full length mirror in my room if I am hoping to make a fashion statement.