What Is Ozzi Patrick Thinking?

George does not need leading astray!  (Photo by henedinburgh.com)

George does not need leading astray! (Photo by henedinburgh.com)

10 July 2014

S – how is your day going at Hartpury?

C – good – great watching such high class dressage and now waiting for prize giving. On the down side, the back of my neck is burnt and I have been sitting on a plank of wood for several hours so bottom cheeks are numb. Looking forward to supper out and not having to cook. Am wishing I had secreted some wine in my luggage.

Later …

C – now sitting in a pub with some amazing views having a lovely supper – it is at times like these that I realise the pleasures that money would bring!

11 July 2014

C – did not sleep well in student accommodation. When I arrived home the hall and stairs smelt like a dog kennel because Toby had been at the sailing club since I left. I pointed out that the third dog was surplus to requirements and that he had brought it into the house, so he should be cleaning up the mess! Now have large glass of wine in my hand so feeling a little better.

S – yes, she is such a lovely little dog but with two of them already you did not really need a third and to start all that puppy training again!

14 July 2014

C – another blisteringly hot day and I will be sweating like a pig cleaning that holiday home. Only two of us will be doing it (instead of the usual four) due to holidays. Waiting for the bus – it always sails past on a Monday morning; then I have to follow it to school ranting all the way. Skyped Patrick last night and got him out of bed. He and George are having a great time and apparently George is off to a lap dancing club later in the week – I want to kill Patrick for that one.

S – have had quite a lot to do today in the office so have only just read your text. Is Patrick going to the club as well?

C – No, apparently.

S – oh dear, I think George does not need leading astray – he is quite capable of going astray on his own – what is Patrick thinking anyway – he has obviously been watching too many episodes of Friends?

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Who Is This Guy Will Power Anyway?

Do I need to know?

Do I need to know?

30 June 2014

C – have been invited to the in-laws for a BBQ so have decided to eat, drink, sit and be merry.

S – what a good idea and you won’t have to cook – could not be better. I, on the other hand, am slaving over a hot stove and have already opened the wine – as usual no will power.

C – who is this guy Will Power – I don’t know him?

S – I don’t know him either.

C – just on third glass of wine. Why do people drink so slowly, and why is my glass always the first one to be empty?

S – it is because we enjoy the grape so much and people never pour wine quickly enough.

1 July 2014

C – OMG just at usual clean. They are off to France for a month and I have just had a blow by blow account of their imminent journey. I have been through each village along with a full history of each stopping point. All I care about is that I will loose a month’s money. The lucky cattery owner will have one month’s full board for “pussy”.

S – damn, you need the money – maybe we could fit a couple of those contract cleans in to top up funds. My texts may be gibberish as I have new Blackberry phone – one that has been cast aside by Sophie.

C – don’t worry about gibberish – I spend my life, it would seem, listening to gibberish; nidding and nodding. Under pressure today as I have an appointment at 2.00pm, so need to get done. Toby taking sheep to Salisbury Market. I asked him if he was organised to which he replied “Oh yes”, as if it was a very stupid question. I got a call just as I was delivering Phoebe to the bus to say he had forgotten the ear tags, so could I deliver them to the field. I wanted to say no but, dutiful spouse that I am, I returned home. I found the ear tags but couldn’t find the key to the quad bike. Eventually I tracked it down only to find that the quad bike would not start because the battery was flat. I then had to walk miles to deliver the ear tags and am fuming as I am now very late for work.

S – what a kerfuffle and all before 9.00am. Think you should start charging Toby for your time. Can’t find delete button on this damn Blackberry so texts could be a bit dodgy.

C – are you busy in the office? I am at second clean. The poor old girl has dementia and tells me the same thing each week – please shoot me if I get that bad.

S – ok. Will be busy in a minute stuffing envelopes – what fun.

C – just reading the TV Times and that Fiona Bruce looks amazing and is talking about the joys of being 50. I am sure it is joyous when you are thin and rich.

S – yes, she is both of those things in abundance.

C – just had a hideous thought – having been in France for a month they may invite me to view holiday snaps – what is “No Way” in French?

S – I am not sure – will look it up for you. This phone is so much better than my old one. I feel so up-do-date with my second hand Blackberry. My kids would call me sad but I don’t care.

Not Serious Enough, Evidently!

We will not be needing Michael - not drinking with those two again!

We will not be needing Michael – not drinking with those two again!

26 June 2014

C – it is Kitty’s birthday take away this evening (sorry, forgot to let you know) – can you make it and do you think Michael could taxi for us?

S – yes, I will be there. I will pick you up as I fear I may die if I drink with Helena and Kitty again – do you remember last time; I certainly do! Those two are way out of my league!

C – we will not be drinking too much because we have to work the next day.

S – I have heard that one before.

C – yes, I said that to Helena and Kitty. And when do you see me taking a day off to lay around the house anyway? However, still think I will manage a glass or two. Am at usual clean and, thank goodness, the trip to France has been forgotten but have just noticed that the husband is on a list of WI speakers. Apparently you have to audition!!! His talk is entitled “The discovery of France – The Past Which Sticks Around”. I can feel myself yawning already!! Me, being mean again! I am really fed up with the rolls of fat that are being revealed due to the hot weather. Debbie has lost two stone and looks amazing – Slimming World and no alcohol!!

S – following inspection of my bingo arms the other day whilst waiting for some clients at a viewing, I think I really do need to get into shape. I have even threatened to cycle to Weymouth with Julie.

C – are you mad – you will end up in Accident and Emergency! Lets face it, after the Spinning fiasco – or lack of Spinning fiasco – how serious are we about this exercise lark?

S – not serious enough, evidently!

Later …

C – damn, at second clean and woman is at home today – she decided to take a couple of days off. I was hoping to be in and out, but no chance now as she has some extra jobs for me. She is moaning that her husband is abroad working all the time – I wish he could take my husband with him to give me a break!

Long And Slow, Like A Cold Beer

Quote

Long and Slow (Photo by Afonso Lima)

Long and Slow (Photo by Afonso Lima)

1 June 2014

C – just at House of Health and Beauty with Phoebe – she is having her eyebrows done. Some woman in waiting room looks like the back end of a bus in leggings and t-shirt. She got up to go for treatment with her t-shirt up over her bottom and she has a wedge!

2 June 2014

S – How goes it at estate agents?

C – long and slow like a cold beer which is what I could do with now. Feathers have been ruffled in your office by the new PA I understand.

S – yes, I have heard the same.

C – I am at the sea front, feel like crap as I drank too much last night – why do I do that whenever I go out? I have no self control. Flat out with viewings all day – hell’s teeth. I hear there is trouble at your end already.

S – yes, big row between Laura and Phillip. I only have two viewings – others are keeping expensive properties for themselves and giving me crap ones. I want to come to your office.

C – that is rubbish, I would be fuming. What was the row about?

S – did you go anywhere nice last night? Row was about nothing really; Laura was fussing about the fact that a staff member turned up at our office instead of the Purbeck one and Phillip hit the roof as he had not yet had his Costa Coffee and it was only 8.29am! I want to come to your office.

C – La Caverna, yes it was very good and we managed not to row which was amazing. Think the other lady will retire soon so hopefully not long now. We are having KFC for lunch, yippee.

S – well done not rowing, were you alone or was it the company that stopped the rowing. PS: I have been told by “she of the beige stilettos” that my footwear is not appropriate. Hells teeth as you would say.

C – no, just two of us. Just at viewing at smart £800,000 flat but apparently viewers are time wasters who look at houses for a hobby but never buy. I have a viewing this afternoon with some woman who has won the lottery – lucky cow.

S – So you are trusted with the expensive ones, unlike me.

C – what difference does your footwear make – wait until she is middle aged. Am now at open afternoon at flats with my feet up on my sofa. Apparently, they are happy to sell me the sofas when all flats are sold – great!

S – can you ask about the blue sofa in the other apartment, that one has my name on it.

C – ok, but the penthouse flats have still not been sold, so could be a while.

S – no problem, as I am not in a hurry.

C – damn – viewing with lottery winner has been cancelled – just my luck.

S – just wait till we win the lottery; we will be on our gin palace sipping vino being waited on hand, foot and finger but some eye candy – none of that leaning over the edge and sailing nonsense.

C – talking about leaning over the edge, I have just pulled in at Osmington Mills and, upon glancing out to sea, I spotted my husband in his sailing boat – how the other half live – it can’t be right!!

S – no, not right. I have just had another wasted viewing. I wish staff would ask more questions and truly find out what viewers want so we do not take people to houses they will never want to buy.

C – just had Patrick on the phone and George has done his first night washing up in the restaurant – he now has dish-pan, hands which is a first!

3 June 2014

C – just heading out of the door – infection in my leg is agony but, as per usual, I have to go as I need the money.

S – let me know if I can do anything.

C – got to second clean and they are having a new boiler fitted so am going home, thank goodness – leg has swollen visibly and is very painful.

S – just at doctor’s myself and spotted someone in the waiting room who I do not want to engage with so have decided to hide in the lavatory; if anyone tries the door I will cough loudly and stumble out with magazine in front of my face.

C – bloody hell, just seen the Echo and Dukes sold a miniature vase for £45,000 – why can’t that happen to us?

S- bloody typical. I am at hospital waiting to see consultant for my Temporomandibular joint disorder; am sure it will be a waste of time and that nothing will come of it, as I am not exactly a priority.

Bottom Cheeks Will Be Firm And Pert

Not sure bottoms will be quite this firm but we can dream!

Not sure bottoms will be quite this firm but we can dream! (Photo by Wim Demortier)

6 December 2014

C – what ever happened to Sunday, day of rest. Up at seven to do horses, then half a cuppa and a piece of toast down my neck before setting out on a marathon trek moving stock due to the floods, nearly got the truck bogged. Thanks for your help and thank goodness for our skilful off road driving – or should I say my skilful driving, as Toby told me you were briefly face down in the mud – good job we were wearing our safety hats. Unlike you, I was back out into the elements later to fix calf shelter which has been battered by high winds and rain and to deliver hayledge for the horses. All this before lunch.

S – it was hellish but fun on the quad bikes and we did a good job us “Quad Bike Queens”. Maybe we should consider showing off our Quad Bike Skills at Dorset County Show this year! I feel the main arena is in need of a bit of livening up. Think we should be in fancy dress – what outfit would you choose? Having my own grief as family over for Sunday lunch and cooker playing up, it’s always the way when people come for lunch. Thank goodness I am not having to cook it.

C – oh well hopefully they are not in a hurry, keep pouring the wine that always helps – I find they loose track of time when quietly sloshed. I have to do the weekly shop next so not looking forward to that one. Come over later and we can do some blogging. P.S. bring wine!!! not ready to give it up just yet. With reference to the outfit, I would like mine to be Wonder Woman but those shorts are cut a little high – I don’t want to be revealing any bottom cheeks!!! So what’s your outfit to be?

S – I would be Lara Croft, of course!! Don’t forget we will have been “Spinning” for several months by then so bottom cheeks will be firm and pert (or at least in our dreams)! Was just reading a blog that has recently gone viral called “Seth’s Story“. It is very thought provoking, maybe we need to be a little more “Starry Eyed” and a little less “Grumpy Old Women”.

Have Serious Concerns About My Husband’s Mental Health!!

George in hospital.

George in hospital.

5 September 2013

C – George home from hospital – very grumpy. And, oh joy, just going through car paperwork to find that the MOT on the Ford ran out in January. OMG men – that is his job – I do the rest!! Want to stab someone – need more wine – no hope.

6 September 2013

C – have serious concerns about my husband’s mental health. Having ranted and raved at finding car’s lack of MOT, I woke up this morning and asked, “what shall I do about the car today, darling”? He replied “Is there a problem with the car”. As I lay foaming at the mouth he said “Oh, I forgot”. Definite case of Alzheimer’s or is it just useless husband syndrome.

S – think it is the second.

11 September 2013

C – hi, hope your day is going well. Just at the Manor House. Hubby has been relocated with his job so they are moving to the Home Counties. House sold very quickly so move is imminent. Not really going to miss this particular clean.

S – hopefully you should be able to replace clean easily. We need to get started on blog.

C – let’s set a time and date. Can you e-mail me anything to look at?

S – yes, will send you stuff when I get home.

Someone In The Middle Of Africa Is Following Our Blog

Someone in the middle of Africa is following our post!

Someone in the middle of Africa is following our blog!

S – I find myself blogging alone this morning as Camilla has had to rush over to be with her mother-in-law, who is not feeling very well. I always find this a bit daunting as I think that she has a better handle on the “Amusement and Diversion” thing. We had our highest number of views yesterday so our theory that sex sells is proving to be correct.

Whilst I was chatting to my husband about the blog this morning and our dreams for it he commented that it must be so difficult to be a woman as we are never truly satisfied; we are, apparently, always looking for something better. His view is that men are quite happy with what they have. As long as they have a kitchen, a sofa, a coffee table etc, it does not have to be a designer kitchen, sofa or coffee table. However, he thinks we women are always hankering after the home beautiful of the magazines we read, a better car, nicer clothes – the list goes on! Is he right, I wonder?

On a different note, I have just looked at the statistics on our blog and some soul in the middle of Africa (Nigeria to be precise) is following it.