No “It” For A Week!

No Sex Please We're British !

No Sex Please We’re British! (Photo by Dominik Gwarek)

18 December 2013

C – forgot to tell you that after I had my device fitted the nurse was very concerned that I should not have “it” for a week and tried to push a large packet of condoms into my hand. I told her that I did not need them and that having a “week off” would not be a problem. In fact, I said that I also had some friends who could perhaps do with a “no it” note for their husbands at this busy time of year. However, I again seemed to be in the company of a professional who had, had a “sense of humour bypass”!

S – oh dear, I don’t think they’re allowed a sense of humour in the Family Planning Clinic. You really don’t need to be in that place at your age!

C – and, oh joy, have car back but battery has been disconnected so I can’t use radio. I do not have the code needed to get it working. Having spoken to Dorchester Ford they said they have changed hands approximately 16 times since car was purchased; so they do not have a record of my code. I will have to take car in so they can remove radio and e-mail Ford UK to get the code. And guess what – there is a £20 admin fee to do this. How I enjoy these little challenges – not!!! PS: Saw your little car going into theatre for open heart surgery!

S – the quote for ours is just over £1,000 – exactly what you need a week before Chirstmas!!!


Much Too Old For Family Plannning Clinics

I told her I can't possibly be pregnant!

I told her I can’t possibly be pregnant!

11 December 2013

S – just been chatting to a colleague on the phone who is a lesbian. She is off to Egypt for two weeks in March with her partner. It is all starting to look very attractive this lesbianism and I found myself thinking that two weeks in Egypt with a female companion would be very pleasant. Oh dear!!!

C – Yes, very pleasant unlike the hideous experience I have just had at the Family Planning Clinic. I went to have a certain contraceptive device checked which it turns out has been in situ, so to speak, for eight years. It is only effective for four years but I do not remember being told this when I had it put in place. So, I have been blindly ‘on the edge of pregnancy’ for four years; hell’s teeth! I then had to suffer a pregnancy and Chlamydia test. I told the nurse I had thankfully not had ‘it’ for at least six months due to surgery and that, if I was pregnant, I think I would be showing by now! However, she had a sense of humour failure and did not see the funny side of this.

Furthermore, I stated that I was sure I did not have Chlamydia as I have had been married to the same man for twenty-seven years; but she was not having any of my feeble excuses. She did mention that my blood press was a little on the high side. Grinding my teeth I thought “is it any wonder after all the crap I have listened to this afternoon” but smiled sweetly at her. At fifty two and two days old I thought I had finished with all this malarkey.

The bad news is that I have to wait a week for the results. The good new is, no conjugal activities for two weeks (I did ask if she could write me a note to show my husband, but again not even a small chuckle). She did not even smile when I said that, if I do have Chlamydia, my husband will be ‘out on his ear’ and I will have no need for the above mentioned contraception!

S – By the way, was talking to someone in the know about this TWITTER thing and it seems we need to upload our sheep on to a banner. Not a clue how to do this. See you later at the dreaded Parents Evening. Do I feel another mountain to climb ahead of us?

C – I was thinking of taking my special glasses with the lights to parents evening. Do you think Pheobe will forgive me if I switch them on by accident in a bid to lighten the atmosphere, if things get tense?

S – NO definitely not