Eyes Glazed Over And Definitely Past My “Sell By” Date

Having a Reggie Perrin moment! (Photo by lluviadeenlaces.wordpress.com)

14 January 2015

C – just thinking about lunch, I managed to make a ham roll before leaving the house, but have to be honest and say the roll is a bit past its sell by date, like me, so not over excited about eating it. May have to pop out and find something a bit more delicious to keep me going this afternoon. Any suggestions?

S – M&S always the best. I have dip and raw carrots – very healthy!

C – yum, I fancy some of that will pop down to M&S and see what they have to offer.

S – Michael brought me to work this morning as my car is in the garage – it failed its MOT – needs new headlight and wheel baring – about £200! What fun. Just seem to tip everything I earn into someone else’s pocket!

C – oh bugger it, bloody cars just drain every penny one has. I look around at the people in this office who seem to have lovely clothes, immaculate hair and are constantly holidaying in Shamal Shake (can’t spell it), or similar. I can’t even afford a weekend away, still have not paid this months Council Tax, credit card is maxed out and Toby is swanning around as if we do not have a care in the world!

S – holiday for the two of us in Sharm el Sheikh would be very nice! Still have all afternoon to go in this office – not sure I can stand it – it is also so cold here today!

C – lovely and toasty in my new temperature controlled office. Maybe that is why there is some woman here, the very wrong side of 50, walking around in an extremely short knitted skirt and a see through blouse; what is that all about? She clearly did not look in the mirror this morning. Am feeling out of shape myself. We really need to do some kind of low impact exercise at the gym. All this sitting and eating is just going to continue to pile on the pounds; maybe we could look at Pilates Classes. I know we have talked about this before, and nothing came of it, but we could go straight after work so then we won’t have to go home and come back again. We could change at the gym then take our sweaty bodies home afterwards. What do you think?

S – I think it is a good idea – will look at Leisure Centre website.  This time we need to take it seriously and do something.

C – well, am very bored and my eyes are glazeing over looking at this computer. I feel like running up and down the office screaming blue murder – reminds me of Reggie Perrin on the TV many years ago. Help, am sinking into depression.

No Sense Of Adventure

Can’t imagine why Camilla isn’t keen! (Photo by http://www.flickr.com)

5 January 2015

S – well I made it in at 0820 – yeh me. Children caught the bus. Jamie still not done all homework even though I have nagged all holiday. Happy New Year!!!

C – well done you. I seem to have piles of files on my desk and I don’t know where the lady I work with is today; no sign of her yet and it is gone nine. George has arrived home, his mood is sombre. He thought he had a job offer but it has fallen through. He does not go back until 5 February; God knows why because we have had to pay the bloody rent again for January because his finance does not get paid ’till 2 February. It’s so long since I logged into my PC I can’t remember my password!

S – 5 February – my God that is another month and all that rent!! Very quiet here.

C – did I tell you Toby has some plan to go away next weekend; according to him we need thinking time, Why? I have no money to spend on hotel and dinner.

S – where are you supposed to be going and what is the thinking time for?

C – God knows. I have to choose the venue. He did mention going away in the campervan – I was not amused. I can think at home; don’t need to spend money to think. He is obviously planning a trip away on his own and wants to soften the blow by taking me away. I do not need the hassle; just go.

S – what campervan – did not know you had one?

C – OMG have you not seen the heap of rust parked outside the flat. I can’t believe it has an MOT. It belongs to a friend of Toby’s but he does not have parking for it, so we have it rusting outside of our place. In return Toby gets to use it when he goes sailing away from home and needs accommodation. It was the campervan that George was driving in London when he got done for speeding and for the congestion charge!

S – have not seen it – and you don’t fancy a weekend of passion in the back of it – tut, tut – where is your sense of adventure???

C – gone, along with my good looks, and high spirits – a dim and distant memory!

I Don’t Believe It!

(Photo by http://www.colourchange.com)

17 July 2014

S – can you believe it; a staff member has been redeployed to our section. She has been on long-term sick and, while she was away, they decided her post was surplus to requirements. So, here she is redeployed into my office – a good friend for “you know who!” How goes your day?

C – OMG cannot beleive that lazy cow has been redeployed, she was hopeless when we were working together and I cannot imagine she will have changed. They will make a good pair! Watch this space as they say!!! As for my day so far it has been hot, sticky and exhausting. I wish I could be paid for not working, like some of your colleagues. Toby left this morning for four days sailing in Cornwall so, as well as cleaning and the estate agents on Saturday, I also have to check all the stock – how is that going to work!!?? I suppose I will have to be up and about at 5.30 in the morning to cover my work load.

S – it is too much to ask. Come over to us on Sunday evening – at least you won’t have to cook if you eat with us; I will get Michael to do a BBQ. Is all quiet now in the antipodes – I assume all birthday celebrations and night clubbing are over?

C – BBQ on Sunday would be great – don’t let Michael cremate it!! Yes, things seem to have quietened down on the other side of the world, at least for the time being. Toby always remarks that “no news is good news” but I am not sure that I beleive that one. My view is that it is “the calm before the storm” but, all joking aside, I think they may be exhausted with all the party fun – at least let’s hope they are.

S – can’t cope with this heat I am melting and think I could have a case of prickly heat coming on. Remember our holiday in Spain when I suffered so badly from it?

C – yes, but it was great fun and we have some good memories (except for the prickly heat). Neither of us really do the heat do we? It is a good job we are not wealthy and trying to spend our cash on sun drenched holidays – every cloud has a silver lining!

Nipple Ring Has Been Removed!

A groovy time had by all, I think! (Photo by amazingworld.com)

15 July 2014

C – George and Patrick just called me from some bar in Melbourne – they were both shit faced and behaving very badly. I got cross with them for calling me at one in the morning from Patrick’s mobile, which will cost a fortune.

S – glad to hear they are both having a good time, even if you were woken by that mobile again.

Later …

C – had George and Peter on the phone again – they were still out raving at five in the morning – they were both very loud and full of themselves. I am hoping that George’s birthday weekend has come to a close now. The good news is that George has removed his nipple ring, as he could not wear it and play rugby – hooray for that!! How is work? We have 500 followers – a bit of a champagne moment I think!

S – work quite busy again. Good news about the followers – what we need now are more comments – we have to be more proactive in this respect I think and communicate more.

Could Not Leave It Buzzing By The Bed

Can you spot the car? (Photo by http://www.mendiphillsaonb.org.uk)

2 July 2014

C – I forgot to say, blog fans are asking about Mr S – they are missing updates.

S – yes, he was one of our best characters. Bloody nuisance but very close to home, so worried about being found out. When blog goes viral and we have more money than we know what to do with he will be right back in there. In fact, he will be begging for a slot in the Book/Film/Play. No sign of him today as usual. Probably tucked away in some shady lay-by having a snooze!

C – yes, probably is. At second clean and I am dripping with sweat. I was expecting great things form you now that you have that sprancy new up-to-date mobile but I am only getting the same old stuff. Why are you not snapchatting and instagramming along with sending me photos – come on old girl!!

S – I may have up-to-date mobile but I do not have the contract to go with it. I have the same old SIM and the same £8 per month contract, so no snapchatting or instagramming for me – I do not have any free internet connection time and would not know what to do with it if I did.

C – oh, what a cheap skate you are. I had a text from George at 3.00am this morning – I could not leave it buzzing by the bed – had to look. His bank account was overdrawn and he did not know why. I have not heard a peep from him for three weeks and he only texted when he needed money. Went to the bank this morning but he had not signed to say I could talk about his account with the bank staff (as I had requested before he left). He thought there would be no need for me to get involved with his finances – how wrong could he be. One of the ladies behind the desk, who knows me, did take pity on me and gave a general indication of how much money I needed to put into the account to take it out of the red – thank God for someone with some common sense.

S – oh dear, more dramas from the Antipodes – I have all this to look forward to when mine are over there – or on a road trip in the USA, which seems to be what Sophie is planning for her gap year!

Close Your Eyes And Think Of England!

Must try not to do too much typing and, yes, I do remember using one like this! (Photo by Robert Messenger)

4 June 2014

C – at first clean and leg is still bad this morning. Thought it felt better when I got up, but now I am on my feet it is not so good. Mind you I have been down to the stables, got horses in and taken dogs for a walk all before 7.45 am. Oh for a lay in! I have heard nothing from the antipodes – thought the phone would be red hot after I put those old photos of us all on Facebook.

Later …

C – have just been asked to get undressed for mammogram and now have to expose enormous lopsided boobs to nurse – what fun! And to boot I came out of the wrong door and ended up “flashing my bazookas” to the poor lady who was waiting to go after me!

S – oh dear – had mine last week and did not flash them to the general public. No, not fun but it has to be done. I am on DES Accounting Course at work and it is putting me to sleep. Get me out of here!

C – poor you, that DES is hideous – I had to do a course when I was on the bank staff. Close your eyes and think of England.

5 June 2014

S – Paul and Judy came for a drink last night. I definitely have a problem. Drank a shed load more than anyone else and feel ghastly this morning. Think the only answer is to go tea total, as I just don’t know when to stop. How is your leg?

C – leg still bad. Nearly finished antibiotics but they do not seem to have helped. I know what you mean about the drink but we only live once. I started on the red last night (after the white) – big mistake – only consolation is that I was able to have a lie in – didn’t have to get up until 7.30am, yippee.

S – getting up that late, whatever next?

C – oh hell – just had call from solicitors dealing with George’s university accommodation and they did not receive my cheque for £500 for the deposit for his rent. I know I sent it as I have the cheque stub and it was with the signed tenancy agreement, which they have – most peculiar. Have had to cancel the cheque and do a bank transfer for £500 which I thought I had paid – I must keep a tighter control on my finances!

S – keeping control of finances not easy. We don’t seem to manage it very well at all.

C – just arrived at Charminster clean. She was still home as running late. She was munching on something that did not look at all healthy. Kids were playing up and shouting lots – hooray, there is a God.

S – just arrived at work. My wrist is still bad but did not want to take day off sick (unlike others I could mention). So life is not all a bed or roses, wine and chocolates at Charminster, after all. Another one of hose perfect lives that is perhaps not so perfect.

C – yes, perhaps it is the case – I don’t think anyone’s life is perfect. If you can, try not to do too much typing!

Improving Our Aerobic Fitness

I believe these are what you use for Kettlercise Classes.

11 February 2014

C – hope the Excel training is going well; I know how they drag these training courses on and on. Got some bad news; I have injured my right shoulder and arm, so am struggling to clean. I reckon it happened on Sunday when I was man handling that errant sheep into the trainer.

S – ok, I will cancel for tonight and book for Friday if you think you will be fit by then.

C – yes, I hope I will be back to full strength by Friday. Looking at the Activities Timetable and happened to notice that they are colour co-ordinated, as a guide to level of workout. Spinning is Gold on the list and is described as High Energy, do you think we should be doing Aqua Zumba which is two levels lower?

S – don’t be a wimp, we will be fine, we need to push ourselves with some high energy workout that will raise our heart rate, burn calories and improve our aerobic fitness.

C – I also noticed that our spinning instructor, JOHN, does the Hard Hit class when I was at the gym getting some info. I bumped into an old school friend who was about to go to her Kettlercise Class what the hell is that??!! I was chatting to her daughter after she went to her class and said I was looking at the Spinning and she said her mother did it yesterday, and refused point blank to go again.

S – it will be fine. Positive attitude needed. Stop whining.

C – had a message from George today; he is in New Zealand meeting up with some friends so can rest easy in my bed for now.

Later …

C – just had the plumber in, problems with the heating, went with him into the shed under the house and stepped over a dead rat. Ahahahahha just can’t handle vermin dead or alive. Never going in that shed again.

S – don’t blame you; I would not go either!

C – Spinning turning into a nightmare. Just spent hours fighting my way through school traffic to book it (because, as you said, they refuse to answer the phone at the Leisure Centre) to find no spaces left in the spinning classes this week. I have booked and paid for a session on Monday at 10.30. I tried to get you on phone but no luck. Can you believe this kind of torture is so popular?

Any More Trouble And I Will Be Getting Out The Mint Sauce!

Butter wouldn’t melt in their mouths!

9 February 2014

C – have finally had a short text from George; he is trekking in the jungle in Chiang Mai – I have Googled it and it looks amazing.

S – have looked myself and certainly think it will be fun – good job you paid for all those jabs and packed him off with those water purifying tablets.

C – yes, can’t imagine you can buy bottled water in the jungle.

Later Telephone Call …

C – have just had two hours from hell. Yesterday, one of Toby’s sheep was not looking at all well. He moved the flock to a fresh field (yet more rent to pay) but gave the poorly one an injection, and left it alone in the original pasture to recover. On his return, it had made a remarkable recovery and was springing around the field like a Thomson’s Gazelle. Toby asked me to help him load it in the trailer and there began our problems.

I was despatched as “sheep dog” to search for the errant animal, as the ground was too boggy for the truck. I spotted it on the horizon, resting easy (I swear if it had, had fingers it would have been doing the V’s up). Upon my approach it took off yet again through and over fences with grace and ease (unlike me) and ended up on the track in front of Toby who had no chance of catching it. We followed it in the truck for about half a mile until we came to the farm yard. At this point we congratulated ourselves that we now had it cornered. How wrong could we be? After a couple of circuits dodging in and out of doorways and abandoned machinery it gave us the slip and headed for the main road. At this point Toby was remonstrating that he wished it had not recovered from it’s earlier near fatal ailment. Bold as brass it trotted down the Main A352, Dorchester to Broadmayne road with gay abandon, avoiding several unsuspecting motorists on the way back from Church!! As the escapee was now well out of our control, and vision, Toby tipped me out of the truck to continue pursuit on foot (thank God for that long awaited surgery). He retraced our steps to close all the gates we had left open.

I was now running towards The Black Dog at Broadmayne expecting the worst but there was no sign of “Lamb Chop”! I scanned gardens left and right for any movement and there it was, large as life, standing next to a brand new, navy blue Jaguar parked in someone’s drive. I shut the gates to the drive and phoned Toby and, for once, he actually answered it! After a few choice expletives I gave him my exact location and told him to move his arse! A plan of action was formulated which included making contact with the house owner before giving chase in the back garden, which happened to be awash with children’s out door toys, including a large trampoline. We, fortunately, failed to raise anyone and Toby spotted the opportunity to corral the sheep down a narrow passage at the side of the house. Yet again, I was sheep dog and finally this plan worked a treat. We both managed to get one side of this animal each and man handled it through the jockey door of the trailer. I have taken a photograph of it on my phone and if it causes any more trouble it will be lamb chops before it can blink!!!

We let it out into the field and it was delighted to see all its friends and took off yet again. I mentioned to Toby that whatever he had given it in that syringe I WANT SOME!! I wonder if it has any weight loss benefits? So, if anyone asks you to move a lone sheep say that you would “rather be poked in the eye with a sharp stick”.